Wednesday, November 11, 2009

the answer is not that hard

As i slowly but steadily reclaim my old me i am wondering whether i will eventually find out who i am - a question most people ask themselves at times i am sure. Am i the mother of three or is that just a role i am fulfilling? By definition, i would say that being a mom is a job but also a destination. Except that now i dont know whether i would choose that destination again.a Thankfully, i dont have to waste a thought about that, since it is a fact. i am a mother. So apart from that, what else am i? What i like doing could be leading to finding an answer. Except i like doing a lot of things... like painting, photography, reading, writing.... the list is getting bigger every day. That's nice to see, that i have a lot of things that i enjoy doing. But it is the doing part that i am a bit worried. If i just sit still and not do anything then i quicikly run away from myself. Because i feel that by not doing anything i have nothing to offer to myself. That boredom with myself causes ED to get hyper and make me do... so i want to learn that it is okay to just be. I also know that the answer to who am i lies in accepting life at lifes terms and grow with every second. My friends, the buddhists always point to the fact that if i dont live that very second to the fullest than my life loses meaningful time... since the past is gone and the future not yet there. But boy oh boy living in the moment is hard. That means taking the boredom... taking the restlessness and not reacting to it. I would like to say that i am closer to finding out who i am but fact is i am not. I need help and i think help is to just accept that i dont know what to do with my life. Should i continue fulfilling my roles as mom, wife... and concentrate on finding joy in those tasks??? Yes, this is a sensible approach since it doesnt involve creating new roles ... and i can paint, take pictures, read at the same time. So this was an easy process - finding happiness in the known is far less risky and consumes less energy. And i can honestly say that i am a good mom. i try hard and always stay true to the kids. I apologize when i make mistakes i tell the kids that i love them for how they are not what they do, i hug them and i try to make their life nicer. More i cant offer.... but i guess looking at their development, i see 3 happy troopers, that cruise quite easily through life and dont have major problems facing life.
I did a good job, and will continue to do so, with renewed energy and motivation. I am grateful for the second chance that i was given by someone up there... thanks! I might not be able to answer the question who am i at the moment but i have options to go ahead and will cherish my role as a mom even more!
May all the mothers out there feel the same way about themselves and not critizize themselves too harshly! May all the ones out there that do not have the role as mothers know their role in life and be able to enjoy it!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

How many tears are too many??? or Winnetou is right...

No, the subject of this blog is not a sad one... on the contrary, as i was shedding tears today i realized that it has been a long time- probably almost a year that i felt so sad and ironically that makes me happy. Why??? Part of my disease is the cutting of unnecessary energy and emotions like crying use energy. My body needed every morsel of energy for maintaing its functioning therefore i did no longer have any feelings of sadness. This is no longer the case and that means if i touch things that have happened in the past that i felt sad about or hurt i can now cry about them. No, i cant let go of the things of the past. not yet. but the day is near... and i just feel tired and emotionally drained today. not more not less.
I bought a little funny book today for my husband that has the title How would Winnetou have decided (Winnetou is the most famous movie-American Indian that Germany ever produced) and it contains little fairy tale type of stories about being succesful. And of course one chaper is entitled "Winnetous rule no 5 : Always try and help yourself." The short sentence that the reader is supposed to memorize is: If you are looking for a helping hand, look first at the end of your right arm. Now that is new to me. Arent all the self help books always telling me that in order to change behaviour i have to learn how to ask others for help??? Both is true, but i like the aspect that Winnetou states that no problem can be solved solely by relying on the big manitoo (AKA God, Buddha....) entirely. For self centred people like me i like being helped and yell at them for treating me like a needy person.. so i want to visualize me having a right hand and a manitoo and then.... i smile and think YES WE CAN!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

the places you will go (again)

i just learned something today.... it is never too late to start anew.. yes i know this is a fact but one thing is to know that intellectually another thing is to feel it. I was strolling around outside today and all of a sudden i became aware that i have been given the fantastic opportunity to redifine myself completely. I can now grab life by its horns and become a new me. Correctly spoken i would even say i have the chance to become a me since i was entirely defining myself before based on my achievements and/or looks. Now i feel a lot more vulnerable but i am not as scared of that anymore. I am ready to face my past in a way that i can feel past wounds but then to accept them as being part of the past. I dont know what the future brings but i know that all i really can live is this moment, and i love this moment. i would even go as far as to laugh about myself because today again, my short term memory loss has led me to forget a bag with something somwhere. now i can go back tomorrow to the same shops trying to find it.... how fun is that to revisit the past.... hahah.
May you be less forgetful but just as optimistic as i have been today!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Real power

Today, i just would like to share a quote i found in o magazine: Real power is usually unspectacular a simple setting aside of fear that allows the free flow of love. But it changes everything."
Not only do i really think it is true... i also firmly believe that this is one of the most important lessons in life. When i think of people i admire because of their power then it is people like oprah winfrey, but also small town heros like my best friend who fights her disease every day. I admire everybody where i can see a quest for life that is shaped by being cuious and brave. To be brave is something that empowers (once you actually dare to....) me very much.

May you all be brave today and like me change a little thing....

Sunday, October 18, 2009

wherever you go there you are...

it is sunday morning and i have a story on my heart. i woke up very early this morning and decided to not get up but instead to listen to an audiobook with the great title "wherever you go there you are" by one of my favorite teachers Jon Kabat Zinn. he is the founder of the stress reduction clinic in Boston and a world leader in the field of meditatiion and its benefits for body and mind. Anyways, go read or listen to the book if you want to find out more about him. As i was listening i fell back asleep probably after half an hour. When i woke up i had to laugh that a book like this is soooo boring that i fall asleep. then i rewound and thought well, meditation is about knowing who and where and what you are and to be ok with that. To fall back asleep could then be interpreted as "at ease and content with herself, therefore back to sleep". This thought is a good one for me because it has been a long time since i felt at ease. Then another thought, a vicious one , entered my mind - meditation doesnt help you and you will never learn it... so i dont know why you are even listening to the thing..." Bad thought, not helpful.

Meditation has been hard for me but there have been times in my life where i benefited from it. The mere conscious making effort of eg when you take a walk, how you walk, how your feet step in front of each other, and then going more and more into details, (eg my right foot starts walking by attaching the heel to the floor, then i can feel my sole of my foot getting into contact with the earth, then my small toe... )leads in my case to me not only slowing down my walk but also to all of a sudden feel more, for example the coldness on my face... and i am then getting really focused. After approx. 5 min of doing this, and believe me it has been sooo hard not to get distracted or if distracted to just let the thought go and start again.... , i usually have forgotten worrisome thoughts or dangerous comments from my disease.

Yet this morning instead of "achieving" another level in the book, i fell asleep. And I am happy with the fact that meditation this morning was a great idea because i could sleep another 2 hours happily. And think it is funy too...

Friday, October 16, 2009

Hard to stay focused

No, i am not writing something negative this morning. I am no longer allowing the myriad of negative thoughts that run through my brain roads to dominate me. The title is just a mindfulness exercise. I am writing something and immediately, i attribute things with it. I write the fact that sometimes it is hard to stay focused. The closet of "you will never make it" or "you used to be so much better at that" or even "if you did this and that it wouldnt be so hard but..." opens. But i read in a mindfulness exercise that there is another closet availabel that you open you put the thought in and you close it. And you go on. Some, including me have no problem in having a lot of available closets for comfortable, pleasing thoughts (which ironically translates in my case into self destructive thoughts because they feel familiar to me) but if it comes to uncomfortable, things, i label them soooooo soon. Yet it is just a thought. One of 60000 a day. Nothing spectacular, nothing special. A thought. Just a thought. So i feel more at peace knowing that it is hard to focus sometimes and that is neither good nor bad it just is. I am curious to find out what other thoughts are going to pop up in my brain today and i am ready to let them go and not holding on to them, trying to figure out in what closet i should put them.
May you have a lot of empty closets that close easily available today.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

true power

i was listening to an american author this morning who mentioned the following quote" if you want to feel empowerede, use your power". I observed my reaction to this. First i thought critically: well, thats one of those typical housewife-in-mind quotes.. then i paused. Because i had caught myself once again in the trap of labeling ... so i pressed the rewind button for my brain (believe me there is one, just hard to find...) and listened to the words again. This time i noticed that i didnt like the quote. Why??? Because it tells you that everybody has some power in himself no matter how powerless he or she might feel. That statement is nice. But not for me. Because at the moment i am working hard on recreating (or creating....) a self esteem that is not based on outside achievements, image or results but on finding my true inner worth and this quotes addresses some of my issues. In my sick world my self esteem has been based on the pillars of pleasing others to get love, ED, and producing results. The pillar of ED replaced such important issues like self acceptance, social confidence.... and i did not notice it at all!!! so being the impulsive me, i said i was going to tear the ED pillar to pieces, with so much anger i intended to make dust out of him. Guess what, i was told and believe it that this doesnt work that way, at the moment, ED has maybe a crack in the pillar but not more... and it will be a long time before some of the pillar can be blown up. And only if I find oother pillars that i will be able to strengthen. One of the most difficult for me will be self acceptance. There i could use some empowerment. And then this quote is telling me that the power lies already within me - Where is it??? I have no idea. And this doesnt feel good. So that is why i dont like the quote But....#
it is a truly inspiring quote since it implies that even though i dont know where the power is (maybe in my toes.....) i will be able to boost my power level once i found it. Or maybe i dont even have to find it and just wait to feel it.
I hope all of you out there are able to identify their power source and are able to use it today.

Monday, October 12, 2009

i am back!!!

to all my friends, yep i am back. After a long period of no writing blogs, partly because of my disease partly because i wanted to reflect whether i really want to share thoughts with others and the reason whhy , i have had the urge to come back. it is good for me. So i will structure my day to include some blog time over the next weeks where i hopefully contribute to making myself and others happy or reflective. not angry. Updating myself, i have checked into a clinic 2 weeks ago because my addiction to not eating and this killing myself slowly and steadily has gotten so strong that i saw no other solution. i hate myself for doing that because it feels like i am so selfish that i prefer to leave my family behind and ease into the nice clinic life. STOP!!!!!!!!! This i just realize is actually my disease talking. It tells me this to make me feel bad. So now i will show you and me the healthy voice.... i have checked into the clinic because i want to learn to fight my disease and to live a healthy happy life which will translate into being able to fulfill my life as a wife and mother and friend much better. This is the truth. It is hard to fight the diseases voice. Sometimes impossible. For all of you who dont know, my disease is called ED, eating disorder, it is male and vicious. (Not all men are vicious but this one is). ED is my best friend and my worst enemy. ED loves me because he controls me. ED hates me because i fight back now.. ED is the most trustworthy person because he never cheats on me. ED is always available 24/7. ED is my worst critic and he is never satisfied with myself. No matter how little i ate he will still find something. In short words he is a jerk that deserves to be kicked out of my brain. It is not so easy because over the years he mutated and is sometimes even for me hard to recognize. It is easier written than done to get rid of him. In this clinic i am learning that it is ok to have ED in my head probably all my life. The art is to not let him talk loud to me to not have him control my behaviour anymore. He might be able to control my thoughts but not my behaviour anymore. This is why i am here. This is why i need help. And it is ok to ask for help even for MS. PERFECT!!!! In my next weeks, the blogs will certainly evolve around ED - he loves that so i will try and make sure that every blog will end with a weapon against him. So today my weapon is
I have friends and supporters and a family. All of them love me the way i am not the way i look. All of them agree that i am sick and look sick. All of them want me to get better. I love my supporters and i want them to know that i am fighting.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

creating the environment i need

boy i just realized that i have not written an entry for more than 2 months.... this tells me that i still dont have the structure and the priority right.... but on the other hand, it has been very important to my own private life to learn not to share ideas with others but just to be with them on my own feeling them on my own without feedback. They feel difficult at times and i know that my path to happiness is full of obstacles at the moment but i do really want to create my own reality and i am taking the necessary steps. We all create the atmosphere we have inside of us and it is frustrating to see that your outer life reflects your inner life so much. And yet, every day is a new day, every minute a different one and every second a new opportunity for being yourself. I can be myself even though i might not like this specific creation at times. Being raised in an environment of shoulds and oughts and must dos it is very scary for me to look at my own imperfections and be with them.... not change them not comment them but just sit with them and i can do it. I can do whatever i want if i have this goal to become whole again.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Disappointing others disappointing myself

A not so funny subject is the expectations that others have and over the years i have unfortunately build my own expectations on the ones others have in me... and the list got bigger and bigger and left me overwhelmed at times. Currently i feel the same way. i feel that i am disappointing my friends a lot of times because i refuse to get better health wise. And the more they wish i got better the more stubborn i get. Especially my husband suffers so much through this because he sees me struggling wants to help and cant because i dont let him. I have found out that my expectations in myself are that i solve this problem myself without help in other words i am too proud to accept help. Which is disappointing especially knowing that others have warm feelings towards me and really want to help. Right now i am very very sad that i cant accept help at the moment and wished to be able to just let go of this disease and let myself being taken care of. But here comes the real disappointment. Being an adult should i have to rely on being taken care of? I can take care of myself i have done it in the past - i even took care of kids... so i have to tell myelf for today I can do it!! I could put a shirt from Nike on "Just do it" that would be appropriate wouldnt it??
To all my friends out there i am feeling your disappointment and i take it in but i cannot but disappoint you at the moment and you have every right to walk out on me... just like i walk out on myself a lot recently. Hopefully better days where i can accept the care of others better are to come.

Friday, May 15, 2009

The 3 l's

This morning when doing my yoga practice i was once again reminded of the wonderful things in my life that are happening. Part of my practice consists in dedicating the hour to somebody that might need some support and focusing the positive energy that is created during yoga on that person. Usually i say it is the first person coming to your mind. Today, i had a hard time first because i caught myself thinking of myself.. and while i know that i do need help and support more than ever it is selfish to only ponder about myself . So i found somebody else that will move soon and i know this person has a hard time at the moment realizing that her new life will be very different. I am sure she is excited and sad at the same time. But i am beginning to understand that my life is in "safe mode" in terms of moving at the moment and today i consider that a positive thing because moving is always stressful. Not only physically but more so in terms of your emotions. Constantly there is this battle between being sad and depressed of letting go of the old and being excited and yet scared of the unknown. And this tug of war is very hard to bear. I am grateful that for the moment this tug of war is not fought in my head. And i feel very compassionate for that other friend. I am hoping she will not have a bad start in the new old country. I am praying she will savour every bit of her old life. I am wishing that she will be organized enough to enjoy every breath at the fullest and keep her mantra - live laugh love vivid. She has been such an uplifting encounter for me and i will be missing her terribly. Yoga today has given me the gift of remembering all the great moments we have been able to spend together and while i never got really close to her i think she has become more than just an acquaintance for me. I hope i will be able to give some of the good vibes that i felt this morning to her as a farewell gift.
My personal story has been strange over the past weeks. While my spirit is better my health is worse... and i dont do anything against it. I just let it go and focus my energy on fulfilling my daily tasks. But i still dont care enough about me. Well, i first have to accept this and then i can act right???? Today i do and i feel not only compassionate for this friend leaving but also for myself. I feel that i have had quite a few challenges too that i need to deal with and i feel sorry for myself (without indulging in self-pity) that i have a disease that is not easy to conquer. i used to love challenges and try hard to accomplish whatever task has been given to me but this one is the hardest so far. It is unmanageable for most of the times... at least thats what i have learned. it doesnt help to want to fight it. It involves opening up to the help of others and boy oh boy i hate to ask for help. i hate to be pitied but yet i need pity. I hate to accept help but i realize that in order to get better i will have to eventually give in and do what others tell me to do...
May you all have a weekend filled with the three l's live laugh and love.... until the next time

Sunday, May 3, 2009

if you lose dont lose the lesson... part 2

It seems that i am really not listening to myself... i didnt have a great day today because i was trying to please myself just as much as my kids and it ended up that i was too stressed out and lost it towards my kids... i also was too hard on them during the whole day. I realize that left by myself without Erik, it seems that i am not capable to be realistic and see them as who they are - children. I act irresponsibly towards them overloading them with responsibilities that i know deep down they cannot fulfill. Then, once that happens i first get mad at them and then i am angry towards myself because i know i was the one that made them miserable. The only beauty about this is, that each time it happens, i realize more and more how my past comes through how i sometimes just repeat what was done towards me when I was their age. This does not justify anything though. I also realized that i need Erik to pardon me in the evening because i will not pardon myself. This has to stop. His role cannot be the one exonerating my misbehavior. And i need to learn to forgive myself just as much as i need to forgive my children. Which i have noted they are much better than i am. I wished i could as easily forgive myself like they forgive me. Especially my oldest proved today once again,what a caring and wonderful soul he possesses. he was the first hugging me and saying that even though I completely overreacted he was sure that it was right to do something... i was so sad that he had to tell me over and over again that it is normal to make mistakes. A 12 year old should not have the responsibility to help his mom overcome her own weaknesses. He seems to be much more mature in a lot of ways than i am. But a tiny little voice tells me that maybe he has seen behind the selfish, sick outside inside my soul too - he has to have some of his goodness from me... not only Erik. This will help me forgive myself tonight and hopefully learn my lesson - not getting into verbal fights with my 6 and 10 year olds on what to do, but keep a predictable and clear message th they understand. If i start arguing i already put them into the position that they get defensive, then aggressive and then it is like a snowball, these emotions spill over onto me...
I need to be knowing that my mistakes will open the gate into learning so i will repeat the title of this blog over and over as my mantra.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

if you lose dont lose the lesson...

Today i was reminded once again of this quote. i was having my weekly therapy session and we found out that i still havent become an adult human being. While i can act very adult like at times, there are many many times where i do not want to assume the responsibility of my actions and therefore i convert into a child. Everybody does it for various reasons. i do it most of the time if i have to make choices. i am very scared of the consequences of my actions. Over the years the relationship to my husband has developped away from an adult to a father child relationship because i refused to assume responsibility out of fear to be less than perfect. I realize that a lot of problems have come out of this relationship and i am ready to change it. But i am very scared because for me, making a mistake is not so easy and it does not help that my husband brushes his own mistakes away a lot of times and sees his good deeds as the ones to remember (healthy attitude!!!). the more confident my husband has gotten the more i lost my own light and started to follow his directions. Which made me mad. Because growing up all i ever did was following rules and expecations that could never be satisified. When I married i vowed to be an equal partner. And i have to admit i am not. not at all. Instead i behave like a bossy child a lot of times not listening to the good things my husband is telling me but only saving the few pieces of criticism he utters. When i was on vacation and on my own i cherished the fact that i wasnt feeling responsible to anybody except myself. Yes, i am scared very scared to be responsible for bad things that happen in my life or character defects. But when, if not now can i become more confident and trust my instincts? Like the quote of the title i need to remind myself that i am not flawless and that i will make mistakes and suffer the consequenes. But it will feel like me and i know that it is better for me to feel that way.
Today again, my life has been ruled by either my disease or my husband and that feels like i am close to suffocating. Life can be so simple and nice so why not grab it by the horns and just do it - even if that means that my husband disagrees (which he does most of the time anyway...) and i will see him grumpy. For me it is healther to follow my own voice and see a grumpy husband than to continue living in the shadow of somebody else.
May you all follow your own inner light which is warmth, love and kindness towards yourself first.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I understand the meaning of full circle....

havent written my blog for the longest time.... no excuses just the usual stuff. Today i have learned the meaning of becoming full circle.... i have started a class of art history this morning and when i signed up for it i just knew i always wanted to do that and i couldnt say why. history as it is was never ever a favorite subject of mine and i have absolutely no knowledge about art history. So i guess it was intuition that made me want to do it. I learned when signing up that the course was about the "spanish masters". Oops and who would that be??? Yes of course i had an idea but again i wasnt sure. So today when the class started i knew why i had wanted to do this class. The paintings that we will discuss over the coming weeks all are paintings that i saw the very first weekend of my very first time living abroad. In retrospective this stay has been the happiest and healthiest period of my life. I had just graduated from German high school and all i wanted was to leave. To leave and live. Finally, to no longer feel the heavy burden of my familys issues on my shoulders... to just enjoy and learn that living can actually be quite easy and fun. That is why i had come to Madrid, and that was 23 years ago... I went there for 6 months to learn Spanish. On the first weekend there, I remember feeling very confused, not quite knowing what to do with my new freedom. So i went to the famous museum of the PRADO to look at guess what - the famous painting i saw again today on a big screen right in front of me. I know that this has a meaning. It can mean that if I want to get better i have to remember what has made me truly happy in the past. What i was proud of in the past. Not the actions but the feelings, the images, the smells, the food (yes, because guess what even me, at that age i was still a good eater and never wasted any time on counting calories....) and all that i connected with free living. I cannot tell you how happy i felt for a moment today when looking at these paintings, listening to the wonderful explanations and details that of course me, at age 19, i hadnt seen.
It is a good day today and if I close my eyes I can feel the freedom of Madrid, caressing me.
I hope everybody out there has a good day full of wonderful memories too

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Easter is coming

Tomorrow we will travel up to a cottage where we spend Easter. Today, i reflected on the past few Easters i experienced and realized that contrary to when we lived in the US, this holiday has become a secular one for me. I used to be very active in our church and really was living up to the Easter Sunday. It was on Easter Saturday that i was welcomed in our church and i really felt loved and understood. So now i am wondering whether my faith has just drifted away or whether i really became part of the church community simply not to be alone. I guess, i always wanted to feel some kind of God that was with me, through good and bad times. Like other human beings, i was very reluctant to thank him for the good things but i was very eager to get his support when i felt lonely or depressed. Poor God, how very ungrateful i was. I didnt thank him enough for what great miracles have happened in my life but i was very very mad that i had to go through some challenges. Now i feel that i have lost every connection to him because i closed my heart out of embarassement. i feel embarassed to have to ask him for help again and again as if i havent learned my lessons. The quote of my Dalai lama for today is a very familiar one that ties into that" If you lose dont lose the lesson". There it goes, it seems i have not yet understood the true meaning of this quote. I am still making the same mistakes and this leads me to believe that i refuse to listen to what i am being told. So how would God react if i asked for his hand again? I have a very good friend who would probably now say" God is there always and does not judge you for what you have done or not done" Just ask him and let him take the lead. So despite all the other stuff i wanted to write about i feel it is time that i cry out again - please God help me, i am at the end of my wits with myself and cannot go the path of life on my own. I have neglected you but never forgotten and i need you. well, that wasnt too hard to write was it? I am a human being and as such prone to making mistakes the minute i open my eyes. so i will not be too hard tonight and just hope and pray that God hears me, and will guide me. I need to be guided and since i am such a stubborn character, i dont accept other human beings help (at all???, most of the times??? sometimes??? - i am going to settle on most of the times, because if i trust a person fully i can let that person guide me) but i wish i could accept Gods guidance. I need a sign though. Doubting me... a sign could already be that i think of God and write about my distant relationship to him i havent done that for quite a while.
With the Easter days coming up i would like to close with a thought my oldest gave me this morning. He said that he didnt in the past understand why Christans called the crucification day of Christ "Good Friday" because he hadnt thought that such a cruel day could be a good day. He then continued and said that now he understood the true meaning and that Jesus was really a hero for dying so that we could have "good days" ahead. What a lovely train of thought and what a realistic one. I love my son who truly believes in God without any demands or expectations. I will say a prayer for him to tonight. He is not with me at the moment but at his grandparents. While i am sure he is going to have a good time, i already miss his wisely (though at times unnerving or disturbing) comments.
May you drift into the upcoming Easter with ease.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

silence is not always beneficial

A true soul reminded me gently today that i havent posted a blog for a while. it has happened vor various reasons none of them sufficient for justifying the silence enough though. oh yes, i was busy, but it all is a question of priorities. one of my character traits is that if i find something else to do i tend to push my own needs aside and dont listen to my soft inner voice telling me to slow down. I have known for a while that my disease has become quite strong recently. But it is so wonderful to have stuff to keep busy so then i forget. I forget that i am not like other people. i have a psychological disease that is characterized by a complete ignorance of one s own physical needs and a tendency to push oneself harder and harder. The more i push the more i am spinning. And right now i truly feel like a hamster in a wheel where the stop button is out of order. No, i am not in immediate danger. But my loved ones and the people around me are worried. And that should be enough to stop spinning. Yet, it is not. And quite frankly i dont know what is going to stop the wheel but me. My beloved husband said this evening that i should concentrate on a feasible goal and voice that goal. Goals and spinning does not go together. So i think just by sitting down now and reflecting on my inability to listen to my needs and postulate goals that i want to keep i am slowing down. Where do i start? I have had so many nice emotions bubbling up recently. The love of my oldest son who cherishes his crazy mother. Who tries and make her eat more and worry less. I felt the warmth so much recently on a trip we did together. It was wonderful to spend time with just him. The acknowledgement of what i have been doing for the childrens school was great. The support of new friends. So many good signs that indicate that i am being accepted, disease or no disease. So i can relax a bit. nobody wants to judge me as entirely crazy. Good, that helps. My husband is trying hard not to be too impatient. And yet he has his limits and was honest enough to show me those. I am thankful for that. I have felt his love recently when he showed me his impatience. And contrary to other times i have not been angry with him in the past weeks. i feel sorry for him that he has to live with me. That i spoil his happiness and easiness with my heaviness and my negative thoughts on life. He would now say that he doesnt think i am horrible to live with all the times.... but then again i am an all or nothing person. It is not the tragedies but the messes that kill us - i read this statement today and first didnt think anything of it. now i reconsider. My life is a mess because i choose to not change it. I have the tools the friends and yet i cling to my messiness because it is familiar to me. I need to push myself i guess. But then again, maybe i need to be nicer to myself and instead of pushing myself first accepting my dilemma and not talk it down. I will try that way. The other way didnt work in the past. not for long anyways.
I would like to be happy because as the dalai lama says it is the right of everybody to be happy and it is the wish of everybody and i am no different. I remember being happy and loving it. I remember how it felt to not worry about anything and just be. So today i want to recreate this feeling a bit and bring it back alive. Tomorrow is a new day. A day full of surprises and this days reality will happen only once. So I will have the chance to start anew tomorrow again and rise with a positive outlook and a light heart. I am blessed with love that is all around me if i choose to let it into my heart. I will be able to give love back to myself and others. I know how i just have to do it. May you all have the best reality tomorrow and feel happiness and love surrounding you.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


What an emotional weekend I have had.... this weekend i met some friends from the USA who were here for a very short time and i was soooo sad to realize that even if i will return one day my problems with my own unhappiness will not disappear. Again, i had built up this illusion that everything will change once i am back there. And it will not. Because instead of tackling my issues with myself here, I just built this huge pink cloud and thought that i do not have to do anything with myself, just returning will solve things. For a lot of the people including my husband this had been crystal clear. Not for me though. Well, better late than never right? So now again, it is solely up to me to change. Nobody to blame except my own self. That hurts but it is necessary. Change is not supposed to be easy or pleasant. It is hard. And I feel very lonely. But i will not give in. I want to be able to be a better and healthier person. Therefore I will have to work on myself. Whenever my husband stated that my unhappiness is the fruit of not being able to immerse myself into the present moment I was very quick in blaming him or my present life on feeling sad. Now I know that this is not true. Unless I find a way to change my attitude towards myself here in this present moment, the future will not be pink but just as grey. So from feeling depressed and sad I went to feeling angry this morning. Why? Because my husband took the liberty to be sick for a day and I am not used to any other person being weak than my self. I realized how very selfish I am and I despise myself for that. I was not showing compassion towards himself but anger. That changed in the afternoon after we had a wonderful open conversation and I felt that he is just as desperate for a positive outlook on my present state of mind than I am. And i felt very very lucky to be surrounded by him. To be able to live next to him. I felt loved and that made me cry. Because i dont feel worthy of his love. He truly lives the unconditional love that I am asking for. Not always but he tries. Much harder does he try than myself. Which made me mad at myself again. And then, in the evening I felt happy for the first time in a long time. We played a family game and I felt very much a part of it all. Included in the warmth that my children and husband offer so abundantly. So i pretty much felt the whole chain of feelings. And now I am calm and satisfied. And hopeful and uplifted. I thank God for this opportunity to come in close contact with my inner voice this weekend. I also feel surrounded by a lot of good people that I can learn from. I have a very good friend who struggled with her own issues over the past week and i felt that. I wish I could take away her pain but i cannot. She has to go through her load of emotions. I am there if she needs me. That is all I can do. I will pray tonight that she finds peace in herself and the answers she is seeking. May you all be able to enjoy and learn from your emotions no matter how difficult they may seem at the moment.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

What are you worth?

Today, I am humbled by an answer my 10 year old gave me. I was asking him a question I had been asked yesterday: What do you think you are worth? I quite frankly did not come up with a good answer but my son did. He said I am worth as much as there is. Wonderful definition of self-worth I find. I am going to have to think really hard to be able to put that in better words. I am a slow learner and just finding out that self-worth does not depend on what you do, have achieved or made... but this intrinsic value is just there without me doing anything In my life, I always did stuff and i hardly ever stopped. Now I look at my son, and he already knows more about himelf than I did. He does not feel the need to accomplish things in order to feel loved. He just is. I am very happy about this. And will try to feel more what is in me without adding something from the outside. I will look at my son for guidance and give thanks to God for providing me with everything I need on a daily basis if I choose to look.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Headstand and lessons of life

This morning as i was doing yoga i once again realized what a wonderful life lesson it provides. I was coming up into headstand and noticed that not only do i still need the wall to be near me, even after having come up into headstand for the past 4 years and fallen forward only 2, it is also the pose that i most cherish and fear at the same time. I am fearful of being on my own without the wall, just like i am fearful to be in my life on my own. I am fearful of falling. Just like i am fearful of making mistakes . I am fearful of trusting my body and not using my mind. Just like i am fearful of trusting my instincts more than my thoughts. On the other hand i cherish the feeling of being upside down, just like i cherish the turmoil my life always has been. I cherish the fact that after a period of wobbling there usually enters some stillness into my body and i just hear my breath. Just like i love the daily routine that my life provides. So it is my pose. i would love to work on it just like i would love to work on my current life... if only it wouldnt cause such fear to become different. I will continue to work towards letting go of the wall, and being free. I know there will be a day where i can feel it is the right day to try.
Have a nice day everybody!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Anger part 2

It seems that anger is a particular dominant emotion of mine... so i had to look again what the Dalai Lama says and i found a quote that i would love to post here: "The key to transforming our hearts and minds is to have an understanding of the way our thoughts and emotions work. We need to learn how to identify the opposing sides in our inner conflicts. With anger, for example, we need to see how destructive anger is, and, at the same time, realize that there are antidotes within our own thoughts and emotions that we can use to counter it." So he says. Problem is that it seems I havent found the right antidotes yet... so today i was faced with the fact that after one of the many quarrels with my husband I realized that if I peel of the layer of anger what is left is pain and hurt. I am very sensitive it seems and it doesnt help knowing that. Thicker skin is required as well as more letting go.... how will I get that? Today i found some solace in just focusing on positive feelings towards my children. We went outside and I got distracted and that was good. I dont want to be hurt anymore and that is why i am now avoiding my husband for a bit... but strategies of avoidance are not working for a long time. I told him I was hurt he apologized and now I "just" have to forgive and let go. That is the task of the rest of the day. May you have an easier task tonight... until tomorrow

Friday, March 13, 2009

This too shall pass

Today, I am faced again with the fact, that my inner critic is very very loud...and tells me that i should be doing this and that and my other voice tells me to not... sometimes i wish i could have just silence. I rely a lot on finding silence from the outside, which in my case is yoga. Even though i cant do as much as i would love to, it has given me a tremendous amount of inner peace. Doing yoga has been one of the most rewarding experiences in my life and i am forever grateful to have had the opportunity and learn it from people who love it just as much as i do. Dont get me wrong, i have also met quite a few that were using yoga in a way that wasnt too appealing to me. But that is yoga too, you cannot label it under workout, or spiritual blurp or relaxation technique because it offers you whatever you allow it. For me, i love the fact that after 1 hour of yoga i dont feel the need to fiddle around anymore. I like the physical aspect that means i am getting stronger (a bit...) without having to go to a gym. Much more I appreciate though that i get to know my body very well. Yesterday i felt the crease between my shoulders for the first time moving inward when told so... before i had no idea how to move it at all. Did you know that there is a famous yogi who was able to stop his pulse with nothing but willpower? I know you are laughing now - and being the critical person that i am i do too. But i have experienced myself that you can train your brain to perform actions that you thought are completely impossible (try to lift your big toe of the mat and leave the other 4 toes on the floor... i can do that now but it took me quite some time to learn it) so i do consider it possible what the yogi did. Yoga is also about learning that there are moments in your life that seem to be unbearable and yet this too shall pass. It is your mind mostly that needs to be told that not your body. So for today, instead of telling my brain shut up i will maybe do a breathing technique i learnt and see if that changes things. I will not fight myself anymore. i will endure and know this too shall pass. have a wonderful day.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The evil side of humans part 2

Words can not express what happened yesterday in that school where one 17yr old killed students, teachers, bystanders and himself... and I find it extremely difficult to talk to my children about it. So far, they have only heard bits and pieces from the news but I am guessing it is going to be a major discussion item among them today so I want to inform them beforehand. I can feel the pain of the mothers of the killed people as well as the pain of the mother of the murderer. I am sure it is living hell to find out that your child has committed such a horrible thing too so I am going to be compassionate with the parents of the attacker. But where does such evil come from? Do I have to picture it as a sleeping volcano that is in all human race and given the right settings, the eruption will take place and the hot lava is going to pour over everything. Or is it "just" a sick person's action? I firmly believe in the inherent good of every personality but this happening shows me how important it is to be vigilant as a parent. The attacker it seems had recently lost his position. He was very quiet and subdued. He came from a family that was well off. The place was a southern German town. All these facts mean nothing. And yet somewhere in there is the key for him losing his mind. Maybe he was so mad because he never learned how to handle negative things like the losing of the job. Maybe he didnt know how to communicate well with his parents. Hmmm, communication - I know that this tool is decisive for the wellbeing of your own self as well as those of others. Now that is something I want to talk to my children about. Effective means of communication. When things get rought, when you get mobbed, when you are mad at yourself, mad at the teacher, word it out. Being a teenager you probably wont want to communicate with your parents first. If you dont have any friends you feel close to, write it out. Spit the things that torment you on paper. That is my plan for this mornings discussion of the event of yesterday. I am going to end now but not without sending out my love and compassion to the victims parents as well as the attackers parents.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Questions hard to answer

Today i was faced with the difficult task to answer my oldest sons question why people murder other people - we were listening to the news on the radio and they commented on a murder committed where an 18 year old killed a little girl. I did not know how to answer this question. it showed me that while I am almost used to horrible news like this my son clearly does not yet have this negative or should I say realistic point of view of the world. His concept of evil within the human race does not yet exist. And I don t know if I want to instill this sense that the world is not inherently good but has certain dark sides too. It is incomprehensible to him why a human being can deliberately hurt another one or even worse take the life of somebody else. Yet, this is also part of growing up. A sad part I find. I tried to explain to him that some people do not have a good judgement of what is morally good or bad but he still frowned at me. I think a huge part of growing up is to realize that what you could never imagine to happen can indeed take place and that we have to be lucky to not be part of this evil side of the world. I wish I could take away the pain that it will cause to him to see that there will be people who will hurt his feelings on purpose. It is our task as educators to create a sense in our children what is morally right or wrong. But where do I start? I catch myself a lot being irrational if it comes to this. I will explain him that drinking diet sodas is unhealthy only to be asked why I do it.... or I will tell him do not lick your knife and he says: Mum, I have seen you doing it.... to be a role model for my children has proven to be one of the many challenges I face daily. Being aware of your own deficiencies is a first and good step but it is not enough. And it is those little things that I believe will make a difference (so definititely no more licking of the knife....) and shape his character. They say that by the age of 12 the groundwork of education is pretty much laid. Small enhancements will be possible but as a whole his character traits are set. So today I was asking myself what is the most important character trait I would like to be fostered in my son - and clearly it is compassion (not the licking of the knife...) for others that I believe is most important. I vow to be a role model and to show him that caring for others will bring you joy and help you feel worthy. But being compassionate says my friend the Dalai Lama, starts with feeling love for yourself and there I definitely need to work on. I also hope that it is true that if I show compassion towards others it will ultimately come back to me and help me accept and love myself more. So I am making the committment to do something for others each and every day and also to try and be more respectful of my own needs. Which leads me to now stop writing and taking care of myself by going to have an early night. May you all have sweet dreams tonight.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

coincidence and happiness

Is it a coincidence that i just got one of my favorite magazines - Psychology Today (German edition) in the mail and the header is - path to happiness.... I havent read the articles but the editorial already sounded very interesting. Like my friend the Dalai Lama says The purpose of life is to be happy. Sounds very easy and can be very easy. Once I focus on making this very moment the very best moment the task is indeed easier. So, maybe the real purpose of life is to split it up in infinetely small particles of time and then just focus on feeling happy in these moments. Then, if I add all the particles up, I will be eternally happy. In the past, quite frankly I found it very hard to define happiness. I have been happy a lot of times without realizing it. Other times, the events were so big that I stored them in the happiness drawer right away (wedding, birth of children, 1st day of school for kids, kindergarden graduation, owning a house, finding a job.... ). I now try to remember those moments more often and feel them. Feel the warmth, the excitement, the contentment. Putting these in the forefront when life is grey or uneventful helps. I also found out that it helps me to become happier if I do something for others, especially my children. This has been the source of quite some discussions with my husband because he is convinced that one cannnot or should not feel happier just because one does something for others. I agree that if the sole source of happiness are others that is not going to work. But I strongly disagree that actions performed for others, cannot bring happiness. The Dalai Lama calls it compassion and I want to work on becoming more compassionate towards others, especially my children. They are the ones that are going to profit most from me being happy because this serves as a model for them now and later. Being compassionate doesnt have to be a huge deed, it could be just being a bit more lenient at bed time.... if i know that this is going to bring them happiness. By nature, I am a rather strict mother - too strict sometimes. So becoming more compassionate towards them means that i will deliberately be less strict. And believe me that is hard for me. But I want to try. Hope you are all having those happy particles in your life a lot....

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Have you ever done a task you did not like to do in the first place but then while or after doing it, it turns out that you entire effort was worth nothing... I am sure you have. I had the pleasure to install a microwave today, which took 4 hours only to find out that the door was broken. At least it looked nice.... but i was once again reminded that everything in my life happens for a reason. The lesson i learnt was the following: I am too quick sometimes. I could have done a general check of the parts before starting to install the items. Would have saved me 4 hours of work. I am very impatient therefore I do not like to sit down and be thorough. I did enjoy the 4 hours because it made me realize that i am quite handy. And I know that this is the most important life lesson for me. If i manage to just concentrate on the moment instead of being 2 steps ahead in my thoughts, i actually can find peace in that very moment. I want to learn to now let go of the negative thought that it was all for nothing because that is not true. While I was doing that job I had time to see that it has been a long time since i did something I was truly proud of. I like to be challenged (even if it is only by IKEA instructions or manuals that assume I have studied engineering) but i seek challenges that are too much. Then I get frustrated and instead of lowering my expectations, I use the experience to critize mz inabilities. That has to stop. I did the best job today and yet because of things i cannot control, I didnt achieve the desired result. i cannot rule the world even if i give my best. I have to let go of that need to be perfect and the idea that if i do everything right, the world around me must do the same thing. So i am grateful for the microwave experience because after all that work and finding out that the door did not work i did not get mad (i admit for a split second I did) instead I went upstairs, and did a very easy yoga session. That was very difficult because I wanted to prove myself that i can do much more. This is not healthy for me and therefore i decided to do a basic class. Which was lovely and not too much and I felt renewed and ready to face the kids without being angry at all the malfunctioning microwaves in general and myself in particular. Great day. Hope you had such a lovely experience today too. If not, go buy yourself a new microwave...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Love versus need

My reliable friend Dalai Lama gave me a great thought for today" Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other". When i was in my early 20s the word need and relationship really had nothing to do with each other. I was not needing anybody. I was happy with myself. Was I? I think I was still exploring the world and did not waste time to reflect too much on my actions. The world and its opportunities were right there I just had to go and get them. Which I did. In my 30s when I became a stay home mother and dilligent wife, need slowly entered the scene. Partly because I didnt make time for myself. I was busy. I was active. I still was not relecting too much but because all of a sudden my financial independence was gone, I needed somebody else. That did not feel bad but different. I had vowed to never become dependent on anybody when I left my parents because to me it felt like a prison. So now here I was. I had the best husband ever who never once made me feel dependent yet more and more I neeeded his praise to feel at ease. To fight the negative connotations I associated with dependence I took a part time job only to realize I still needed his praise.... and i also realized that it was too much for me. Now in my 40s the word need has almost replaced the word love and this development is not a healthy one. I am aware of my dependence that is now far more than just financial dependence. But I vow to put the puzzle pieces back together or maybe even create a different puzzle because I long for the love I felt so strongly. Talking to friends I am now sure that the development I have seen in myself is a common one in many women as they sail along their lifes. This double identity of still fulfilling the needs of others eg kids and also trying to fulfill your indvidual ones can lead to enormous stress. It is partly built on the image we think we have to fulfill. But quite frankly, there is no such thing as the perfect woman or the perfect percentage of love -need or.... it is just the individual me that counts. Not in a selfish but healthy way. If I love myself enough I will know my needs and I will not follow pre set conceptions of how I should be. A good exercise I want to try out is to take a piece of paper and describe a worst case scenario of your life to one of your best friends in writing. (That best friend of course can be fiction or not, important is only to describe as detailed as possible how my life is now versus a couple of years ago). After this horror scenario, I will take that imaginary letter and file it. And now comes the nice task. I will then write a second version to the same friend but now I am describing how my life looks if I change my bad habits and live the life i dreamt of . Really live it not just wish for it. And this great piece of art I will also file. ...
Then, every time I will struggle and be resilient to change, I will take out the horror scenario letter and read through it, asking myself whether this is the outlook I want. Or whether I wouldnt do better in living version 2 of my life even if that means an uncomfortable step at the moment. I am very keen on writing these two letters and I know i will have no problem in describing the horror scenario (did I forget to mention that I am a type half empty glass versus seeing it as half full instead...) but I want to also focus on describing my wished for life as best as I can. This is the task for the next week... try it out for yourself if you think you might benefit from it and I would love to have your feedback.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Today, I was realizing how much I tend to swallow things I feel. Instead of saying what I think, I just play the happy-go-lucky girl and afterwards I harbour the negative feeling which in my case then tends to translate itself into not fighting against my a vicious circle it seems that the key for me to transform my bad habits into more healthy ones lies in learning to be an effective and truthful communicator. By not saying what I mean, I not only foster bad feelings I also do something I tell my children to never do - lie. I lie to myself and then my critical voice condemns me for that.... vicious. So, I will use the time tonight to reflect a bit on communication.
Also I saw today, how great the world can be if you see it through the eyes of a child (no wonder, my children love the song with that title by Reamon). While driving back from school one of my children commented on the wonderful sunset and how much they loved the warmth on their faces while playing outside. I agreed and yet I realized that I barely make enough time to feel this simple pleasures. I find all kind of activities instead of just feeling the sun on my nose.... hopefully I will take the time tomorrow and do what my children have done today - enjoying the moment as fully as possible not leaving out the weather...
Spring is a reminder of the eternal change that is surrounding our lives. In Chicago, the season of spring was almost non-existent, we went from winter to summer in one week. In Germany, I found out that the inbetween season, called spring, is so exciting because it opens your eyes for the changes that incur incessantly if we see them. A lot of things that seem to be dead awaken once more. So I will take nature as an example for believing that change lies within me and I will be able to change into a healthier being. Enjoy the pre spring season as fully as you can.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


Today I am pondering why it is that I have a hard time to control my anger. I went to look up some quotes by my friend Buddha and of course he was right in : "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one that gets burned.'" After a dispute with my husband, this is exactly how I feel inside. I am mad at myself and hold on to this negative and self destroying thought like nothing else. It is very difficult indeed to not get affected by anger even if I think I was right. So I am wondering what I need to do in order to let go of this negative feeling. My strategy in the past has been to swallow and swallow until i was literally lit up from the inside. Of course, that does not create any positive feelings and so I want to change my strategy. But my human mind is not so easy to tame. I realize that even though i try to live more in the moment, I replicate past behaviors as well as past role models and can't free myself. But it is mandatory for me to get past my anger because it doesn't lead to anything constructive. I vow to do better next time. Yet, next time comes and I behave in a similar way. I will dump more on my stored anger on paper. This will not harm anybody and not create that foul mood that it is in my family at the moment. Again, the Buddha can be quoted: "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or deamons, heaven or hell". I am sure it is a battle worth fighting for. I have read a lot of buddhist inspirations and yet they very often don't stay with me. It is sooooo difficult and such a task to change your behavior, isn't it? But I want to remind myself that the light at the end of the tunnel will be love and that in my opinion is the greatest gift of all.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Am I ready

I have pondered the idea of writing a book for a long long time. I remember when I was mid 20's I shared this idea with a lovely relative who was about 90 at that time and she said right away go do it. I never did. Then, while in my 30's I felt too busy with the mundane task of raising a family. Now I have seen several signs that it is about time to release my thoughts onto paper. But I still have some voices that keep me from doing it. One is the language voice that keeps on whispering that i don't know in which language to write... English or German. I received a clear countersign yesterday by a friend who stopped me because she wanted me to know that every time she reads my blurp she thinks I am American.... so I went home yesterday reflecting about my nationality and realized: My important thoughts are engrained in English, my daily routine thoughts are in English, even my shopping list is in English... so I feel strongly to have to write in English. Other voices are louder and not so easily shut off. What if I don't know what to write? What if people don't like what I write,.... endless criticism. I know that people that have projects to do out there must feel the same and yet there are thousands of books, and authors in the world. This then leads me to believe that I just have to focus on the fact that I don't need to think of others when writing the book, this is a project for me from me. It is not about externally feeding my ego. I wonder how many projects of other people's life get done for reasons of their own well-being or for pleasing your ego with praise.... I would like to learn to let go of the ego praise thing. It holds so many benefits if you are no longer dependent on others' people praise but happy with your inner voice. A lot of weight will be lifted off the heart then. The Buddhist say less attachment to life more happines... and this is true for that aspect too.

Friday, February 27, 2009

thanks for friends

Today, i have learned that friends are a treasure to be cherished and i am very grateful. I learned that a very good friend of mine has me on the forefront of her thoughts more than i could imagine and i am deeply humbled by that fact. I am sometimes to quick in assuming what friendship can mean to oneself. I tend to take friends for granted when i have them and long for them if I don't. I guess that is normal. But I was reminded today once again how wonderful it feels to be loved by friends. It made me optimistic, cheerful and plain happy. In other words somebodys action made my day. When I was growing up, I did not have a lot of good friends, I was such an overachiever that I did not had time to waste on friendships. Because of our many moves I lost friends. I had to also learn that friends can be lifelong relationships as well as temporary life enrichers and that both is good. I had to learn that friends can hurt you a lot. In fact, I once closed my heart for quite a while because I was in pain by an action one of my very best friends did. Years later I now realize that she did that so that I would learn what the meaning of forgiveness is. Today I am still her friend and for the first time in my life can say I forgave somebody. It feels good to know that friendships can flourish right away or grow slowly or even stop for a while to then be reinstated. The lesson I acquired is that life will tell me later the reason, and that no matter how hard I try, I will not always be able to understand the others. I will try and learn that I too have to live life at life's terms even if that means pain for a while. It is not about red roses all the time, sometimes it is just about making it to the next day. I used to be very quick in making friends and after that one painful experience shut off. Now I don't have any preset expectations anymore for the development of a relationship. At least I try to. I wait and see. Not always patiently but still I wait.
Thanks to my friends I once learned about me being sick. Thanks to my friends I know I am never alone, no matter if I feel lonely here or not. They are out there living their lives but they don't forget me and neither do I.
Today I am grateful and happy.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

new routine called "The Morning Paper"

Today, i have started something new. Nothing exciting but i like it. I am writing a 2 page "morning paper". I learned about this exercise from a workshop i am currently following online. Every morning you take a writing paper and handwrite two pages. After you have finished you dont read it through again, you just take it and put it in an envelope. Why? You could call it the daily psychological trash can. You dump the thoughts that run through your head into an imaginary dustbin, being your envelope. It is not important what you write it is important that you write. And if you dont know what to write write "I am so bored doing my morning paper" 100 times... Supposedly it helps you to rid you of thoughts that might haunt you or just keep you busy. The handwriting forces you to really think what you are doing. And it allows you to dedicate some time to your self and connect with your soul. I think that most people my age would agree that it is hard to dedicate time in the morning for such a non target related task. To learn to follow a routine that is exclusively for the moment and has no immediate goal is another benefit from doing this exercise.
I just finished doing my first one and it was hard to actually sit down and dedicate 20 minutes for it. But i am at a stage of my life where i have to do some major changes of which i am terribly scared. And so i will hold on to the hope that this action among others will help me. I also have started to read my buddhist inspirations again and must say i have missed doing so. I will share the 5 rememberances today that the Buddha wrote as interpreted by one of my favorite authors Thich Nhat Hahn:

  1. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
  2. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.
  3. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
  4. All that is dear to ma and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
  5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

At first, you might think oh my goodness what depressive thoughts. But i disagree. I think that those realities are not written down to make you feel depressed but to teach you to fully embrace this very moment. And to not push responsibility for your own well being aside if inconvenient, something I tend to do. So for me, point nr. 5 is the most difficult one to accept. If you have got a minute reflect upon which one it is for you.

Have a wonderful peaceful day and enjoy the lovely weather, the sun and the birds. Listen to their voices as I did and realize that spring is near....

Monday, February 23, 2009

How quickly nice moments pass if we are not vigilant

It is the first day of routine after a wonderful weeklong vacation where i once again learned how inspiring nature can be. I spent it with 2/3 of my family in the French Alps and I was reminded of one of the happiest time periods of my life where i was soooo carefree. I used to be a really good skier because my parents had taken me skiing since i was little. I always liked the combination of sports and nature so that is why i was so committed. Now i am realizing that it also makes me extremely content and satisfied to ski and i dont for once think negative thoughts. So i enjoyed myself and what is even nicer i enjoyed being with my husband because that is what i miss most. To have the luxury to actually sit next to each other in the lift and not talk because there is no time pressure he is not going on another trip or anything... i loved it. But i have to be careful not to let those happy moments pass too soon. Have you ever realized that we tend to say the vacation time passed soooo quickly and now real life has caught up again. I believe it is because we dont store the happy moments as consciously as the challenging ones - judging thoughts, negative thoughts are more in the forefront of our brains. And instead of cherishing those moments of true peace which i have found on the top of the Alps last week, my brain is telling me to now do laundry! No I will not. In fact, i will go and find my camera and download the pictures i took from the landscape and i will look at it, close the eyes and feel the cold breeze on my cheeks, the sunrays tickling my nose and the light shining through me. I will smell the cold air, a mixture of sunscreen and soap. And i will give thanks to the creator of this wonderful landscape. I will see nature for what it is. Perfect and the visible image of how we could all be if we only let life happen at lifes terms. I hope you enjoy some moments of peace today too.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

What is really important

Today, i was watching a performance by my 4th grade son. It was lovely to see him on stage and I remembered how much he struggled last year when he had to be presenting things to others. He was very shy and felt insecure. I related to him and hoped that he would overcome his fears while young because I still struggle with my image. How do others perceive me? How perfect do I have to be to be seen? Why do i need to be seen and why cant I just be content in my own little world? Well, my son clearly has learned over the past year that his image is not as important as how he feels about himself. He still was nervous today but he managed and even seemed at times to enjoy it. You could also see that he did not care too much about the reaction of the spectators. He simply did his job and was not concerned about what people would think about him. I thanked whoever helped him to find himself more at ease with his own personality and secretely wished to get a little bit of support from whoever as well. I am proud of my son and i consider it the most important accomplishment of him over the past months. His character has grown tremendously. His insecurities do not totally throw him off anymore and he is quite content with himself. This I firmly believe is the secret of happiness. It all starts from being content with the status quo of who you are where you are and what you do. To accept what is is the most important life lesson for me. And others too. I hope that everybody has a great day and is able to accept whatever comes up and maybe even go further embrace reality.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Reality glasses

hi everybody
today i realiyed that there are days where i just have to accept that they are not the best ones... and this simple sentence shows me that i am far away from accepting reality. Sometimes i think too much in extremes and this sentence shows me precisely that. A day does not have to be the best ever... it is already enough if it is a good day. Just like it is okay to acknowledge that not all days are good. That is life. There is always the hope that tomorrow will be a better one. But too much hoping gets you out of the moment i find. So for now i will be happy that i have a great babysitter who is loved by us all, that my children are healthy and my husband on his way back from the airport. Life could be better but it sure could be worse too. And if i reflect on my day, i actually did some nice things that i have already filed as past - i painted a painting, i chatted with my friends, i wrote a letter to my godchild. Many nice things have happened. I just forgot to put those glasses on where i can actually see them.
May you be able to wear those glasses a lot today and tomorrow and....

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The 3 Rs

Today for some reason I woke up at 5 with the three R´s in my head. The Dalai Lama once stated the importance of the 3 R´s for our lives. They are Respect for yourself, Respect for others and full Responsibility for your actions. At first, I just memorized the first 2 and for some strange reason I always have trouble in remembering the 3rd... which is kind of my weakness. I love to take responsibility for my actions if they are nice, worthwhile... but if they are having bad or sad consequences I would rather not. The 3 R´s really are the blueprint that I wish I could follow for my life. I know they lead to happiness which according to the Dalai Lama is what everybody strives for and deserves to obtain. But very often I realize that my actions are not perfect and as such I start becoming very critical of myself and do not fulfill the first R anymore.... it is a vicious circle and I am sure that a lot of perfectionists out there are trapped in it as well.
I taught my kids the 3 R´s and they thought it was easy. One asked why they were important. I answered that if we want to be happy that would be much harder if we didnt respect ourselves fully. He asked me why one wouldnt respect him/herself and I smiled. It is nice to see that children naturally do the right thing. They don´t dislike themselves if they have committed a mistake. It is only after the parents tell them that "they shouldn't have done that " that they start altering that thought. So for tomorrow I want to be thoughtful not to say "you shouldn't" too often. Not to others, and not to myself either.
Have a good evening everybody and talk to you tomorrow

Monday, February 9, 2009

1st time ever

hi everybody,
i cant believe i actually am writing my first blurp... a good friend of mine gave me the idea and because i love writing i thought it could be a good idea. But what do I actually write now??? A couple of thoughts that run through my head. The importance of honesty in friendship is something that comes to my mind. I had a lovely conversation this morning and realized how important it is to be honest to each other. The truth sometimes hurts us and our friends and even though it is very thoughtful to believe that it is better to not hurt the other person's feelings it is actually unhealthy. For us and the other person. We owe it to ourselves as well as to others to stay true to our thoughts. If we are avoiding a conversation because it is hurtful to others we are hurting ourselves because instead of practising the art of communication we are feeding our fear of saying something unpleasant. Fear is a good thing if we use it wisely but in this case it is not. I believe that i would like to learn more about communication because i am still working on developping that skill but for today i am very happy because i know my friend understood me, i stayed true to my feelings and i feel good.
Is that a good start for a blog???? I dont know.