A true soul reminded me gently today that i havent posted a blog for a while. it has happened vor various reasons none of them sufficient for justifying the silence enough though. oh yes, i was busy, but it all is a question of priorities. one of my character traits is that if i find something else to do i tend to push my own needs aside and dont listen to my soft inner voice telling me to slow down. I have known for a while that my disease has become quite strong recently. But it is so wonderful to have stuff to keep busy so then i forget. I forget that i am not like other people. i have a psychological disease that is characterized by a complete ignorance of one s own physical needs and a tendency to push oneself harder and harder. The more i push the more i am spinning. And right now i truly feel like a hamster in a wheel where the stop button is out of order. No, i am not in immediate danger. But my loved ones and the people around me are worried. And that should be enough to stop spinning. Yet, it is not. And quite frankly i dont know what is going to stop the wheel but me. My beloved husband said this evening that i should concentrate on a feasible goal and voice that goal. Goals and spinning does not go together. So i think just by sitting down now and reflecting on my inability to listen to my needs and postulate goals that i want to keep i am slowing down. Where do i start? I have had so many nice emotions bubbling up recently. The love of my oldest son who cherishes his crazy mother. Who tries and make her eat more and worry less. I felt the warmth so much recently on a trip we did together. It was wonderful to spend time with just him. The acknowledgement of what i have been doing for the childrens school was great. The support of new friends. So many good signs that indicate that i am being accepted, disease or no disease. So i can relax a bit. nobody wants to judge me as entirely crazy. Good, that helps. My husband is trying hard not to be too impatient. And yet he has his limits and was honest enough to show me those. I am thankful for that. I have felt his love recently when he showed me his impatience. And contrary to other times i have not been angry with him in the past weeks. i feel sorry for him that he has to live with me. That i spoil his happiness and easiness with my heaviness and my negative thoughts on life. He would now say that he doesnt think i am horrible to live with all the times.... but then again i am an all or nothing person. It is not the tragedies but the messes that kill us - i read this statement today and first didnt think anything of it. now i reconsider. My life is a mess because i choose to not change it. I have the tools the friends and yet i cling to my messiness because it is familiar to me. I need to push myself i guess. But then again, maybe i need to be nicer to myself and instead of pushing myself first accepting my dilemma and not talk it down. I will try that way. The other way didnt work in the past. not for long anyways.
I would like to be happy because as the dalai lama says it is the right of everybody to be happy and it is the wish of everybody and i am no different. I remember being happy and loving it. I remember how it felt to not worry about anything and just be. So today i want to recreate this feeling a bit and bring it back alive. Tomorrow is a new day. A day full of surprises and this days reality will happen only once. So I will have the chance to start anew tomorrow again and rise with a positive outlook and a light heart. I am blessed with love that is all around me if i choose to let it into my heart. I will be able to give love back to myself and others. I know how i just have to do it. May you all have the best reality tomorrow and feel happiness and love surrounding you.