Thursday, June 11, 2009

Disappointing others disappointing myself

A not so funny subject is the expectations that others have and over the years i have unfortunately build my own expectations on the ones others have in me... and the list got bigger and bigger and left me overwhelmed at times. Currently i feel the same way. i feel that i am disappointing my friends a lot of times because i refuse to get better health wise. And the more they wish i got better the more stubborn i get. Especially my husband suffers so much through this because he sees me struggling wants to help and cant because i dont let him. I have found out that my expectations in myself are that i solve this problem myself without help in other words i am too proud to accept help. Which is disappointing especially knowing that others have warm feelings towards me and really want to help. Right now i am very very sad that i cant accept help at the moment and wished to be able to just let go of this disease and let myself being taken care of. But here comes the real disappointment. Being an adult should i have to rely on being taken care of? I can take care of myself i have done it in the past - i even took care of kids... so i have to tell myelf for today I can do it!! I could put a shirt from Nike on "Just do it" that would be appropriate wouldnt it??
To all my friends out there i am feeling your disappointment and i take it in but i cannot but disappoint you at the moment and you have every right to walk out on me... just like i walk out on myself a lot recently. Hopefully better days where i can accept the care of others better are to come.