Friday, May 15, 2009

The 3 l's

This morning when doing my yoga practice i was once again reminded of the wonderful things in my life that are happening. Part of my practice consists in dedicating the hour to somebody that might need some support and focusing the positive energy that is created during yoga on that person. Usually i say it is the first person coming to your mind. Today, i had a hard time first because i caught myself thinking of myself.. and while i know that i do need help and support more than ever it is selfish to only ponder about myself . So i found somebody else that will move soon and i know this person has a hard time at the moment realizing that her new life will be very different. I am sure she is excited and sad at the same time. But i am beginning to understand that my life is in "safe mode" in terms of moving at the moment and today i consider that a positive thing because moving is always stressful. Not only physically but more so in terms of your emotions. Constantly there is this battle between being sad and depressed of letting go of the old and being excited and yet scared of the unknown. And this tug of war is very hard to bear. I am grateful that for the moment this tug of war is not fought in my head. And i feel very compassionate for that other friend. I am hoping she will not have a bad start in the new old country. I am praying she will savour every bit of her old life. I am wishing that she will be organized enough to enjoy every breath at the fullest and keep her mantra - live laugh love vivid. She has been such an uplifting encounter for me and i will be missing her terribly. Yoga today has given me the gift of remembering all the great moments we have been able to spend together and while i never got really close to her i think she has become more than just an acquaintance for me. I hope i will be able to give some of the good vibes that i felt this morning to her as a farewell gift.
My personal story has been strange over the past weeks. While my spirit is better my health is worse... and i dont do anything against it. I just let it go and focus my energy on fulfilling my daily tasks. But i still dont care enough about me. Well, i first have to accept this and then i can act right???? Today i do and i feel not only compassionate for this friend leaving but also for myself. I feel that i have had quite a few challenges too that i need to deal with and i feel sorry for myself (without indulging in self-pity) that i have a disease that is not easy to conquer. i used to love challenges and try hard to accomplish whatever task has been given to me but this one is the hardest so far. It is unmanageable for most of the times... at least thats what i have learned. it doesnt help to want to fight it. It involves opening up to the help of others and boy oh boy i hate to ask for help. i hate to be pitied but yet i need pity. I hate to accept help but i realize that in order to get better i will have to eventually give in and do what others tell me to do...
May you all have a weekend filled with the three l's live laugh and love.... until the next time

Sunday, May 3, 2009

if you lose dont lose the lesson... part 2

It seems that i am really not listening to myself... i didnt have a great day today because i was trying to please myself just as much as my kids and it ended up that i was too stressed out and lost it towards my kids... i also was too hard on them during the whole day. I realize that left by myself without Erik, it seems that i am not capable to be realistic and see them as who they are - children. I act irresponsibly towards them overloading them with responsibilities that i know deep down they cannot fulfill. Then, once that happens i first get mad at them and then i am angry towards myself because i know i was the one that made them miserable. The only beauty about this is, that each time it happens, i realize more and more how my past comes through how i sometimes just repeat what was done towards me when I was their age. This does not justify anything though. I also realized that i need Erik to pardon me in the evening because i will not pardon myself. This has to stop. His role cannot be the one exonerating my misbehavior. And i need to learn to forgive myself just as much as i need to forgive my children. Which i have noted they are much better than i am. I wished i could as easily forgive myself like they forgive me. Especially my oldest proved today once again,what a caring and wonderful soul he possesses. he was the first hugging me and saying that even though I completely overreacted he was sure that it was right to do something... i was so sad that he had to tell me over and over again that it is normal to make mistakes. A 12 year old should not have the responsibility to help his mom overcome her own weaknesses. He seems to be much more mature in a lot of ways than i am. But a tiny little voice tells me that maybe he has seen behind the selfish, sick outside inside my soul too - he has to have some of his goodness from me... not only Erik. This will help me forgive myself tonight and hopefully learn my lesson - not getting into verbal fights with my 6 and 10 year olds on what to do, but keep a predictable and clear message th they understand. If i start arguing i already put them into the position that they get defensive, then aggressive and then it is like a snowball, these emotions spill over onto me...
I need to be knowing that my mistakes will open the gate into learning so i will repeat the title of this blog over and over as my mantra.