Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The sunshine

Once again, i have seen the sunshine today. Not in the sky but in an encounter with a person. I have no other way to describe this meeting since I feel as if I bathed in the sun the whole time. I have taken a risk today to let another person look into my soul. Usually I don't trust people enough and therefore my life has become a rather solitary one. The ones that don't know me well, would never believe that but I have a very messed up brain and therefore my appearance is far from my real self. That contradiction is difficult to bear at times but since I have made this choice I can handle it. But deep down I always wish that somebody would be able to tolerate the other Susi, the one that doesnt have her acts together and struggles. Falls down quite a bit but refuses to give up. Has a hard time asking for help and an even harder time to accept help. Thanks to this amazing person though I felt safe and was able to share some things. This person is quite amazing since I feel that just by being near, one gets to experience joy. At least thats what I think it is. My spectrum of feelings is limited as a consequence of my disease and apart from negative feelings like anger and hatred I hardly feel anything and have a difficult time defining positive emotions. Still, I think it was joy that arose today and made me feel warm and happy and content. This person is so full of life, so full of energy that it spills over to the surrounding and I am deeply grateful for having been close today. Realizing that my real me does not make everybody turn around is a big thing. I took the risk today and was not disappointed. On the contrary, I had the impression that not only did it make me feel more accepted, the other person was not  making the impression I was too much to bear, something I am always concerned with.
So at this very moment I feel very content and settled and this is unknown territory too. I am not scared though, but just grateful for this encounter and wishing there were more to come. The sun in the persons face has led me to experience that I am not alone and that my life can be more fulfilled if I let others in.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Old friends - new friends

I had the pleasure to get to know some new acquaintances more yesterday at a party we hosted. While I realize that we are going to have to put effort into making new friends since most people our age already have a circle of friends and with life being so busy they don't take the extra time to meet people I also am noticing that the word friend is really hard to describe. Growing up I did not have a best friend, I had a personality that made it hard to stick with people. I guess I do miss that feeling now especially when other people tell me about their best friend. While moving around in the world I made a lot of friends. Friends for life? I don't think so. Again, I was like a butterfly flying from one beautiful flower to the next one not sure whether to stay or not. Still, I made sure that from every country we went to, I kept one name at least and since we now all have FB it is easy to connect with them.
I once had a person in my inner circle that I felt was my closest friend I had ever made. She was always there for me and for the first time, I felt safe and ok to let my guards down every once in a while. It was a wonderful feeling to be able to trust and to have somebody else except my husband. I needed that since my other half has developed differently and we don't share the same views or thoughts most of the time. Then something happened and this friend chose to withdraw from me. I was heartbroken for the second time in my life and I believe I never have healed completely. Some things leave permanent scratches on your heart that not even time can mend.
I felt very isolated the last 4 years and this was because I chose to. I felt that it didn't serve any purpose to make new friends for life and became very black and white thinking. I found out too late how many good people were surrounding me at that time and felt sorry for them to have chosen the butterfly. While in hiding I concocted with one person more than with anybody else and she was a wonderful companion. But she was also very vulnerable and sometimes I felt that I couldnt burden her with my personality and held back.
When looking into the new faces yesterday I finally understand my friend the Dalai Lama who wrote on friendship " Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."
By welcoming new faces into my world and not being worried that I couldn't fulfill their expectations or they couldn't fulfill mine, in fact by just not judging, I experienced real joy last night. I could see the people in their beauty, could see how much I can learn from them and that I could maybe even try to let them see behind the facade of me.  I also know that I might never experience the "best friend feeling" free of fear and that is ok. It is me. I am scared and excited at the same time. I am curious to find out more of the new faces. It is nice to be able to have enjoyed the night and not be hopeful for more. Just be present and soak up the liveliness that humans possess.
So I am thinking of throwing another party sooner than later and maybe open up more a bit, but I am not expecting anything in return. I had a great time and enjoyed the laughter beauty and light other people bring in my life.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Dalai Lama - the wise guy

So today I found my Dalai Lama again... literally. This quote is so true... "It is said that if you want to know what you were doing in the past, look at your body now, if you want to know what will happen in the future, look at what your mind is doing now." 
How did he know that my distorted thoughts are my biggest complaint? I am beginning to wonder if there are other people out there who think as complicated as me. I know that part of my disease is that I am too much in my head. But that doesn't express how loud these voices are. How much it costs me to not listen to them. I feel like there is constant noise racing through every cell of my brain and I don't have the energy anymore to stop that. Stop - not always generalizing. I can act as if I don't listen. Like my kids who pretend not to listen when I tell them to do certain things. In fact, I like this picture. Why not just act deaf to ED ? Or his fellows, perfectionism and inner criticism.
It sounds like I am lecturing myself which I am. I am going to lecture whatever it takes just to stop listening to those voices.
The Dalai Lama has no ED. Still he composed this quote. Which tells me there are a lot of people out there not able to just live in the present but rather comparing to the past or anticipating the future. Both of which takes away the joy of life. I am sure that I cannot change my future since something or somebody has the key to this door and it is definitely not me. So for the next couple of days I want to try to watch my thoughts closely and direct them back to the today. Not all my thoughts are distorted that much I know. I will try to identify the truth from the false ideas. Hard work. But then again - I feel up to it, up to find out more about myself than me just being my disease.
I love the Dalai Lama for his wisdom and will, now that i found his quotes again, read more of him. Life is what I make of it, right? This includes finding and using my resources of which I have many.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

That was hard....

To get back into the swing of writing is not as easy as I thought it to be. First, I had to figure out how to access my blogger page... that took a long time since my scattered brain forgot that I used a different email for this blog... but I managed. Now, instead of working my abs, which I usually do in the evening I have to think instead.
I am thinking of.... how to free my life from my ever present arch enemy. My disease. Who is holding on tightly even though I want it to disappear. Who tells me that no matter where I am, I am still not perfect enough to be left. Who is my friend when the feeling that I cannot face life like other people gets overwhelming. Who has left me with a body that doesn't look like I want it to look. Guess what? I know it won't ever be like I want it. No matter how hard I will try there will always be this feeling that I don't belong into that body. That I don't look like I try hard.
So it is about accepting the unacceptable. If anybody has a blueprint on how to do it, feel free to tell me. But I know that there lies my task. I don't like hard work, at least not that kind. I like to postpone things that are unpleasant. And I sure as hell don't like to think that I will not manage to look better. This disease is a monster. It morphes into other obsessions. So when I am on top of my food plan, it morphes into the exercise monster. If I control this, it moves into the perfectionist career monster. I don't even know where it is not present at the moment. It even invaded the beach. I used to be able to just go and love the beach. Now I have to swim every time I am there, no matter how cold the water is.
I am pretty helpless right now. But I am aware that by telling on this, ED looses its grip a bid. It lives in the dark. I vow to get it my ammunition out and tell the things that are bothering me. Whether it will be certain food groups or certain emotions I am sick of hiding. Since I don't have anything else to lose I might as well try that path.
I am wishing nobody every gets in touch with ED since it really is horrific to live with it. May you be safe and sound and know that no emotion is painful enough to be traded in for ED. Nothing is of value to ED. I will learn every day again to see the truth.