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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

That was hard....

To get back into the swing of writing is not as easy as I thought it to be. First, I had to figure out how to access my blogger page... that took a long time since my scattered brain forgot that I used a different email for this blog... but I managed. Now, instead of working my abs, which I usually do in the evening I have to think instead.
I am thinking of.... how to free my life from my ever present arch enemy. My disease. Who is holding on tightly even though I want it to disappear. Who tells me that no matter where I am, I am still not perfect enough to be left. Who is my friend when the feeling that I cannot face life like other people gets overwhelming. Who has left me with a body that doesn't look like I want it to look. Guess what? I know it won't ever be like I want it. No matter how hard I will try there will always be this feeling that I don't belong into that body. That I don't look like I try hard.
So it is about accepting the unacceptable. If anybody has a blueprint on how to do it, feel free to tell me. But I know that there lies my task. I don't like hard work, at least not that kind. I like to postpone things that are unpleasant. And I sure as hell don't like to think that I will not manage to look better. This disease is a monster. It morphes into other obsessions. So when I am on top of my food plan, it morphes into the exercise monster. If I control this, it moves into the perfectionist career monster. I don't even know where it is not present at the moment. It even invaded the beach. I used to be able to just go and love the beach. Now I have to swim every time I am there, no matter how cold the water is.
I am pretty helpless right now. But I am aware that by telling on this, ED looses its grip a bid. It lives in the dark. I vow to get it my ammunition out and tell the things that are bothering me. Whether it will be certain food groups or certain emotions I am sick of hiding. Since I don't have anything else to lose I might as well try that path.
I am wishing nobody every gets in touch with ED since it really is horrific to live with it. May you be safe and sound and know that no emotion is painful enough to be traded in for ED. Nothing is of value to ED. I will learn every day again to see the truth.

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