Thursday, April 30, 2009

if you lose dont lose the lesson...

Today i was reminded once again of this quote. i was having my weekly therapy session and we found out that i still havent become an adult human being. While i can act very adult like at times, there are many many times where i do not want to assume the responsibility of my actions and therefore i convert into a child. Everybody does it for various reasons. i do it most of the time if i have to make choices. i am very scared of the consequences of my actions. Over the years the relationship to my husband has developped away from an adult to a father child relationship because i refused to assume responsibility out of fear to be less than perfect. I realize that a lot of problems have come out of this relationship and i am ready to change it. But i am very scared because for me, making a mistake is not so easy and it does not help that my husband brushes his own mistakes away a lot of times and sees his good deeds as the ones to remember (healthy attitude!!!). the more confident my husband has gotten the more i lost my own light and started to follow his directions. Which made me mad. Because growing up all i ever did was following rules and expecations that could never be satisified. When I married i vowed to be an equal partner. And i have to admit i am not. not at all. Instead i behave like a bossy child a lot of times not listening to the good things my husband is telling me but only saving the few pieces of criticism he utters. When i was on vacation and on my own i cherished the fact that i wasnt feeling responsible to anybody except myself. Yes, i am scared very scared to be responsible for bad things that happen in my life or character defects. But when, if not now can i become more confident and trust my instincts? Like the quote of the title i need to remind myself that i am not flawless and that i will make mistakes and suffer the consequenes. But it will feel like me and i know that it is better for me to feel that way.
Today again, my life has been ruled by either my disease or my husband and that feels like i am close to suffocating. Life can be so simple and nice so why not grab it by the horns and just do it - even if that means that my husband disagrees (which he does most of the time anyway...) and i will see him grumpy. For me it is healther to follow my own voice and see a grumpy husband than to continue living in the shadow of somebody else.
May you all follow your own inner light which is warmth, love and kindness towards yourself first.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I understand the meaning of full circle....

havent written my blog for the longest time.... no excuses just the usual stuff. Today i have learned the meaning of becoming full circle.... i have started a class of art history this morning and when i signed up for it i just knew i always wanted to do that and i couldnt say why. history as it is was never ever a favorite subject of mine and i have absolutely no knowledge about art history. So i guess it was intuition that made me want to do it. I learned when signing up that the course was about the "spanish masters". Oops and who would that be??? Yes of course i had an idea but again i wasnt sure. So today when the class started i knew why i had wanted to do this class. The paintings that we will discuss over the coming weeks all are paintings that i saw the very first weekend of my very first time living abroad. In retrospective this stay has been the happiest and healthiest period of my life. I had just graduated from German high school and all i wanted was to leave. To leave and live. Finally, to no longer feel the heavy burden of my familys issues on my shoulders... to just enjoy and learn that living can actually be quite easy and fun. That is why i had come to Madrid, and that was 23 years ago... I went there for 6 months to learn Spanish. On the first weekend there, I remember feeling very confused, not quite knowing what to do with my new freedom. So i went to the famous museum of the PRADO to look at guess what - the famous painting i saw again today on a big screen right in front of me. I know that this has a meaning. It can mean that if I want to get better i have to remember what has made me truly happy in the past. What i was proud of in the past. Not the actions but the feelings, the images, the smells, the food (yes, because guess what even me, at that age i was still a good eater and never wasted any time on counting calories....) and all that i connected with free living. I cannot tell you how happy i felt for a moment today when looking at these paintings, listening to the wonderful explanations and details that of course me, at age 19, i hadnt seen.
It is a good day today and if I close my eyes I can feel the freedom of Madrid, caressing me.
I hope everybody out there has a good day full of wonderful memories too

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Easter is coming

Tomorrow we will travel up to a cottage where we spend Easter. Today, i reflected on the past few Easters i experienced and realized that contrary to when we lived in the US, this holiday has become a secular one for me. I used to be very active in our church and really was living up to the Easter Sunday. It was on Easter Saturday that i was welcomed in our church and i really felt loved and understood. So now i am wondering whether my faith has just drifted away or whether i really became part of the church community simply not to be alone. I guess, i always wanted to feel some kind of God that was with me, through good and bad times. Like other human beings, i was very reluctant to thank him for the good things but i was very eager to get his support when i felt lonely or depressed. Poor God, how very ungrateful i was. I didnt thank him enough for what great miracles have happened in my life but i was very very mad that i had to go through some challenges. Now i feel that i have lost every connection to him because i closed my heart out of embarassement. i feel embarassed to have to ask him for help again and again as if i havent learned my lessons. The quote of my Dalai lama for today is a very familiar one that ties into that" If you lose dont lose the lesson". There it goes, it seems i have not yet understood the true meaning of this quote. I am still making the same mistakes and this leads me to believe that i refuse to listen to what i am being told. So how would God react if i asked for his hand again? I have a very good friend who would probably now say" God is there always and does not judge you for what you have done or not done" Just ask him and let him take the lead. So despite all the other stuff i wanted to write about i feel it is time that i cry out again - please God help me, i am at the end of my wits with myself and cannot go the path of life on my own. I have neglected you but never forgotten and i need you. well, that wasnt too hard to write was it? I am a human being and as such prone to making mistakes the minute i open my eyes. so i will not be too hard tonight and just hope and pray that God hears me, and will guide me. I need to be guided and since i am such a stubborn character, i dont accept other human beings help (at all???, most of the times??? sometimes??? - i am going to settle on most of the times, because if i trust a person fully i can let that person guide me) but i wish i could accept Gods guidance. I need a sign though. Doubting me... a sign could already be that i think of God and write about my distant relationship to him i havent done that for quite a while.
With the Easter days coming up i would like to close with a thought my oldest gave me this morning. He said that he didnt in the past understand why Christans called the crucification day of Christ "Good Friday" because he hadnt thought that such a cruel day could be a good day. He then continued and said that now he understood the true meaning and that Jesus was really a hero for dying so that we could have "good days" ahead. What a lovely train of thought and what a realistic one. I love my son who truly believes in God without any demands or expectations. I will say a prayer for him to tonight. He is not with me at the moment but at his grandparents. While i am sure he is going to have a good time, i already miss his wisely (though at times unnerving or disturbing) comments.
May you drift into the upcoming Easter with ease.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

silence is not always beneficial

A true soul reminded me gently today that i havent posted a blog for a while. it has happened vor various reasons none of them sufficient for justifying the silence enough though. oh yes, i was busy, but it all is a question of priorities. one of my character traits is that if i find something else to do i tend to push my own needs aside and dont listen to my soft inner voice telling me to slow down. I have known for a while that my disease has become quite strong recently. But it is so wonderful to have stuff to keep busy so then i forget. I forget that i am not like other people. i have a psychological disease that is characterized by a complete ignorance of one s own physical needs and a tendency to push oneself harder and harder. The more i push the more i am spinning. And right now i truly feel like a hamster in a wheel where the stop button is out of order. No, i am not in immediate danger. But my loved ones and the people around me are worried. And that should be enough to stop spinning. Yet, it is not. And quite frankly i dont know what is going to stop the wheel but me. My beloved husband said this evening that i should concentrate on a feasible goal and voice that goal. Goals and spinning does not go together. So i think just by sitting down now and reflecting on my inability to listen to my needs and postulate goals that i want to keep i am slowing down. Where do i start? I have had so many nice emotions bubbling up recently. The love of my oldest son who cherishes his crazy mother. Who tries and make her eat more and worry less. I felt the warmth so much recently on a trip we did together. It was wonderful to spend time with just him. The acknowledgement of what i have been doing for the childrens school was great. The support of new friends. So many good signs that indicate that i am being accepted, disease or no disease. So i can relax a bit. nobody wants to judge me as entirely crazy. Good, that helps. My husband is trying hard not to be too impatient. And yet he has his limits and was honest enough to show me those. I am thankful for that. I have felt his love recently when he showed me his impatience. And contrary to other times i have not been angry with him in the past weeks. i feel sorry for him that he has to live with me. That i spoil his happiness and easiness with my heaviness and my negative thoughts on life. He would now say that he doesnt think i am horrible to live with all the times.... but then again i am an all or nothing person. It is not the tragedies but the messes that kill us - i read this statement today and first didnt think anything of it. now i reconsider. My life is a mess because i choose to not change it. I have the tools the friends and yet i cling to my messiness because it is familiar to me. I need to push myself i guess. But then again, maybe i need to be nicer to myself and instead of pushing myself first accepting my dilemma and not talk it down. I will try that way. The other way didnt work in the past. not for long anyways.
I would like to be happy because as the dalai lama says it is the right of everybody to be happy and it is the wish of everybody and i am no different. I remember being happy and loving it. I remember how it felt to not worry about anything and just be. So today i want to recreate this feeling a bit and bring it back alive. Tomorrow is a new day. A day full of surprises and this days reality will happen only once. So I will have the chance to start anew tomorrow again and rise with a positive outlook and a light heart. I am blessed with love that is all around me if i choose to let it into my heart. I will be able to give love back to myself and others. I know how i just have to do it. May you all have the best reality tomorrow and feel happiness and love surrounding you.