Tomorrow we will travel up to a cottage where we spend Easter. Today, i reflected on the past few Easters i experienced and realized that contrary to when we lived in the US, this holiday has become a secular one for me. I used to be very active in our church and really was living up to the Easter Sunday. It was on Easter Saturday that i was welcomed in our church and i really felt loved and understood. So now i am wondering whether my faith has just drifted away or whether i really became part of the church community simply not to be alone. I guess, i always wanted to feel some kind of God that was with me, through good and bad times. Like other human beings, i was very reluctant to thank him for the good things but i was very eager to get his support when i felt lonely or depressed. Poor God, how very ungrateful i was. I didnt thank him enough for what great miracles have happened in my life but i was very very mad that i had to go through some challenges. Now i feel that i have lost every connection to him because i closed my heart out of embarassement. i feel embarassed to have to ask him for help again and again as if i havent learned my lessons. The quote of my Dalai lama for today is a very familiar one that ties into that" If you lose dont lose the lesson". There it goes, it seems i have not yet understood the true meaning of this quote. I am still making the same mistakes and this leads me to believe that i refuse to listen to what i am being told. So how would God react if i asked for his hand again? I have a very good friend who would probably now say" God is there always and does not judge you for what you have done or not done" Just ask him and let him take the lead. So despite all the other stuff i wanted to write about i feel it is time that i cry out again - please God help me, i am at the end of my wits with myself and cannot go the path of life on my own. I have neglected you but never forgotten and i need you. well, that wasnt too hard to write was it? I am a human being and as such prone to making mistakes the minute i open my eyes. so i will not be too hard tonight and just hope and pray that God hears me, and will guide me. I need to be guided and since i am such a stubborn character, i dont accept other human beings help (at all???, most of the times??? sometimes??? - i am going to settle on most of the times, because if i trust a person fully i can let that person guide me) but i wish i could accept Gods guidance. I need a sign though. Doubting me... a sign could already be that i think of God and write about my distant relationship to him i havent done that for quite a while.
With the Easter days coming up i would like to close with a thought my oldest gave me this morning. He said that he didnt in the past understand why Christans called the crucification day of Christ "Good Friday" because he hadnt thought that such a cruel day could be a good day. He then continued and said that now he understood the true meaning and that Jesus was really a hero for dying so that we could have "good days" ahead. What a lovely train of thought and what a realistic one. I love my son who truly believes in God without any demands or expectations. I will say a prayer for him to tonight. He is not with me at the moment but at his grandparents. While i am sure he is going to have a good time, i already miss his wisely (though at times unnerving or disturbing) comments.
May you drift into the upcoming Easter with ease.