Dalai Lama Quotes

Thursday, April 30, 2009

if you lose dont lose the lesson...

Today i was reminded once again of this quote. i was having my weekly therapy session and we found out that i still havent become an adult human being. While i can act very adult like at times, there are many many times where i do not want to assume the responsibility of my actions and therefore i convert into a child. Everybody does it for various reasons. i do it most of the time if i have to make choices. i am very scared of the consequences of my actions. Over the years the relationship to my husband has developped away from an adult to a father child relationship because i refused to assume responsibility out of fear to be less than perfect. I realize that a lot of problems have come out of this relationship and i am ready to change it. But i am very scared because for me, making a mistake is not so easy and it does not help that my husband brushes his own mistakes away a lot of times and sees his good deeds as the ones to remember (healthy attitude!!!). the more confident my husband has gotten the more i lost my own light and started to follow his directions. Which made me mad. Because growing up all i ever did was following rules and expecations that could never be satisified. When I married i vowed to be an equal partner. And i have to admit i am not. not at all. Instead i behave like a bossy child a lot of times not listening to the good things my husband is telling me but only saving the few pieces of criticism he utters. When i was on vacation and on my own i cherished the fact that i wasnt feeling responsible to anybody except myself. Yes, i am scared very scared to be responsible for bad things that happen in my life or character defects. But when, if not now can i become more confident and trust my instincts? Like the quote of the title i need to remind myself that i am not flawless and that i will make mistakes and suffer the consequenes. But it will feel like me and i know that it is better for me to feel that way.
Today again, my life has been ruled by either my disease or my husband and that feels like i am close to suffocating. Life can be so simple and nice so why not grab it by the horns and just do it - even if that means that my husband disagrees (which he does most of the time anyway...) and i will see him grumpy. For me it is healther to follow my own voice and see a grumpy husband than to continue living in the shadow of somebody else.
May you all follow your own inner light which is warmth, love and kindness towards yourself first.

No comments:

Post a Comment