Thursday, April 30, 2009

if you lose dont lose the lesson...

Today i was reminded once again of this quote. i was having my weekly therapy session and we found out that i still havent become an adult human being. While i can act very adult like at times, there are many many times where i do not want to assume the responsibility of my actions and therefore i convert into a child. Everybody does it for various reasons. i do it most of the time if i have to make choices. i am very scared of the consequences of my actions. Over the years the relationship to my husband has developped away from an adult to a father child relationship because i refused to assume responsibility out of fear to be less than perfect. I realize that a lot of problems have come out of this relationship and i am ready to change it. But i am very scared because for me, making a mistake is not so easy and it does not help that my husband brushes his own mistakes away a lot of times and sees his good deeds as the ones to remember (healthy attitude!!!). the more confident my husband has gotten the more i lost my own light and started to follow his directions. Which made me mad. Because growing up all i ever did was following rules and expecations that could never be satisified. When I married i vowed to be an equal partner. And i have to admit i am not. not at all. Instead i behave like a bossy child a lot of times not listening to the good things my husband is telling me but only saving the few pieces of criticism he utters. When i was on vacation and on my own i cherished the fact that i wasnt feeling responsible to anybody except myself. Yes, i am scared very scared to be responsible for bad things that happen in my life or character defects. But when, if not now can i become more confident and trust my instincts? Like the quote of the title i need to remind myself that i am not flawless and that i will make mistakes and suffer the consequenes. But it will feel like me and i know that it is better for me to feel that way.
Today again, my life has been ruled by either my disease or my husband and that feels like i am close to suffocating. Life can be so simple and nice so why not grab it by the horns and just do it - even if that means that my husband disagrees (which he does most of the time anyway...) and i will see him grumpy. For me it is healther to follow my own voice and see a grumpy husband than to continue living in the shadow of somebody else.
May you all follow your own inner light which is warmth, love and kindness towards yourself first.

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