Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Change is in the air.... and it feels so nice

Tonight will be the last night where i dont have a permanent address anymore. We are going to move in tomorrow and i cannot help but think that this is a true sign that things are good. After the turmoil called life that I have experienced over the past years, I am finally sailing into still waters. I will fight for all it is worth to keep the waters still since I have had enough waves for a long time and so does my family. I am not blaming anybody for this not even myself. The past is the past and it is gone. I will focus on the next day only. Well, maybe the next 2 days. I know myself and I know that one cannot change overnight, in fact I know that i will change slowly. But I will be patient not anticipating the results. Just learning anew how wonderful life is. How fascinating that i have been guided even though I did not know this. I have arrived here and things are falling into place. Just like I need it. I need structure and I will create structure and accept structure from around. I need love and I will receive love if I let it in. I will give love back because I know that my heart is not bad but hurt and in the process of healing.
I will write myself happy. I dont know how but I feel it is the right thing to do. It delivers inner peace.
It is a hard path at times to walk but then again, everybody has similar paths and not all our paths can be beautiful. Knowing that days can be just days without events happening makes it not a dull but real life. Knowing that I will struggle makes it real. The laughter and the tears to come make it real. I am back in life. Thanks be to God!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I was given an assignment today by a very wise woman. I should try to write things of my heart and thus become free.. so I thought at first that this is an impossible task but here I am it is late and I am eager to write. About the idea of myself not being dependable. Why this subject? Because I feel overwhelmed a lot of times that people, especially my kids depend on me. On the one hand it is a nice feeling since they show me so much love and affection in their dependence. But i think often i cant live up to their expectations. I am so full of flaws. I make so many mistakes. Dont we all? you might say. Isn't that part of life? Yes, it is but especially over the last years I have not been a good advocate for myself. I couldnt really depend on myself staying on track. I was disappointed in myself in many ways. And therefore I now dont want to be the one others have to depend upon. I would much rather hide myself and not assume responsibility. This is the behaviour of an imature child though and not a middle aged housewife with a lot of time on her hands isn't it? So, this wise lady has already taught me many things and she has pointed out at various occasions that she thinks I am a very capable woman, but that in the past, my disease has made it impossible for me to believe in myself enough so to stand up and fight back.
Now, things are changing here. Things are going to be different. Not perfect. Because whoever strives to be perfect in an imperfect world leads a very impractical life. Again spoken from the wise lady who I have always admired. She reads my mind and I feel very safe next to her. Not judged but accepted. Challenged but in a loving not just demanding way.
So I am learning that by beating the disease I can rely more on myself and thus experience that if others are depending on me being their rock, I can be the rock. Maybe not the biggest one but I dont have to last 10000 years. I just have to show my kids how much I love them and that they can trust me. And I can let them into my world where there has been nobody over the past years. Just me and the disease.
I am grateful for learning opportunities and I know I can learn something new every day. Nobody has to be dependable 100 % all the time. This takes away a lot of pressure and makes me feel more at ease. I am detecting that by admitting that in some areas of my life I need a lot of help, i show that I need to be dependable on others and their opinions. Just like my kids depend on my feedback in all kinds of things. I dont need to give them perfect advice since there is no such thinga as perfect. The interesting part of life apparently is for me the afterlife if there is one....
Thank you wise lady for being there for me!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Welcome to the new world - I am not different

I am confused... did I really think that by going back to my home country I would automatically leave behind all the issues I have? I did and I admit that this was not the most adult way of dealing with things. But I thought to give it a try since it had worked before. It is not true, it hasnt worked and instead it just added up nicely to all the other issues I am self-loathing with. Anyways, I have found out that my issues had a visa to enter and therefore I have to address them. I dont like to since it ruins the false sense of identity that i have created over the years but now the urge to move is bigger than the fear of having to admit flaws... and so I do. I do things everyday that are good for me and that the sick part of me hates doing. I am finding out that humor goes along with most other emotions and makes it so much easier to deal with the more difficult ones. My soul is aching most of those days from all the burden it has to carry. That does sound like I am a self centred person and parts of me is. And this part has not gotten better. This part feeds on the mistakes I committ daily in my relationship with others. And has gotten a lot of food in recent years. The burden i am referring to is therefore something I have accumulated - not somebody else. Yes, a lot of people have hurt my feelings over the past years just like others peoples feelings were hurt. The difference between others and me is not big though. Because I dont know what others are doing with their burdens and I am not omnipotent so i dont know their ways of handling it. There lies a misconception on my side. I am not different from others. I am one of them. I have accumulated my own burden throughout the years and i am not looking at it. But to close eyes or move is not working - and therefore I am opening my eyes to all there is.
Guess what, some of the burden really is not that heavy. Other items are more bulky. One box at a time I can look at it. And I can remind myself that I am no different.