Saturday, February 28, 2009

Am I ready

I have pondered the idea of writing a book for a long long time. I remember when I was mid 20's I shared this idea with a lovely relative who was about 90 at that time and she said right away go do it. I never did. Then, while in my 30's I felt too busy with the mundane task of raising a family. Now I have seen several signs that it is about time to release my thoughts onto paper. But I still have some voices that keep me from doing it. One is the language voice that keeps on whispering that i don't know in which language to write... English or German. I received a clear countersign yesterday by a friend who stopped me because she wanted me to know that every time she reads my blurp she thinks I am American.... so I went home yesterday reflecting about my nationality and realized: My important thoughts are engrained in English, my daily routine thoughts are in English, even my shopping list is in English... so I feel strongly to have to write in English. Other voices are louder and not so easily shut off. What if I don't know what to write? What if people don't like what I write,.... endless criticism. I know that people that have projects to do out there must feel the same and yet there are thousands of books, and authors in the world. This then leads me to believe that I just have to focus on the fact that I don't need to think of others when writing the book, this is a project for me from me. It is not about externally feeding my ego. I wonder how many projects of other people's life get done for reasons of their own well-being or for pleasing your ego with praise.... I would like to learn to let go of the ego praise thing. It holds so many benefits if you are no longer dependent on others' people praise but happy with your inner voice. A lot of weight will be lifted off the heart then. The Buddhist say less attachment to life more happines... and this is true for that aspect too.

Friday, February 27, 2009

thanks for friends

Today, i have learned that friends are a treasure to be cherished and i am very grateful. I learned that a very good friend of mine has me on the forefront of her thoughts more than i could imagine and i am deeply humbled by that fact. I am sometimes to quick in assuming what friendship can mean to oneself. I tend to take friends for granted when i have them and long for them if I don't. I guess that is normal. But I was reminded today once again how wonderful it feels to be loved by friends. It made me optimistic, cheerful and plain happy. In other words somebodys action made my day. When I was growing up, I did not have a lot of good friends, I was such an overachiever that I did not had time to waste on friendships. Because of our many moves I lost friends. I had to also learn that friends can be lifelong relationships as well as temporary life enrichers and that both is good. I had to learn that friends can hurt you a lot. In fact, I once closed my heart for quite a while because I was in pain by an action one of my very best friends did. Years later I now realize that she did that so that I would learn what the meaning of forgiveness is. Today I am still her friend and for the first time in my life can say I forgave somebody. It feels good to know that friendships can flourish right away or grow slowly or even stop for a while to then be reinstated. The lesson I acquired is that life will tell me later the reason, and that no matter how hard I try, I will not always be able to understand the others. I will try and learn that I too have to live life at life's terms even if that means pain for a while. It is not about red roses all the time, sometimes it is just about making it to the next day. I used to be very quick in making friends and after that one painful experience shut off. Now I don't have any preset expectations anymore for the development of a relationship. At least I try to. I wait and see. Not always patiently but still I wait.
Thanks to my friends I once learned about me being sick. Thanks to my friends I know I am never alone, no matter if I feel lonely here or not. They are out there living their lives but they don't forget me and neither do I.
Today I am grateful and happy.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

new routine called "The Morning Paper"

Today, i have started something new. Nothing exciting but i like it. I am writing a 2 page "morning paper". I learned about this exercise from a workshop i am currently following online. Every morning you take a writing paper and handwrite two pages. After you have finished you dont read it through again, you just take it and put it in an envelope. Why? You could call it the daily psychological trash can. You dump the thoughts that run through your head into an imaginary dustbin, being your envelope. It is not important what you write it is important that you write. And if you dont know what to write write "I am so bored doing my morning paper" 100 times... Supposedly it helps you to rid you of thoughts that might haunt you or just keep you busy. The handwriting forces you to really think what you are doing. And it allows you to dedicate some time to your self and connect with your soul. I think that most people my age would agree that it is hard to dedicate time in the morning for such a non target related task. To learn to follow a routine that is exclusively for the moment and has no immediate goal is another benefit from doing this exercise.
I just finished doing my first one and it was hard to actually sit down and dedicate 20 minutes for it. But i am at a stage of my life where i have to do some major changes of which i am terribly scared. And so i will hold on to the hope that this action among others will help me. I also have started to read my buddhist inspirations again and must say i have missed doing so. I will share the 5 rememberances today that the Buddha wrote as interpreted by one of my favorite authors Thich Nhat Hahn:

  1. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
  2. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.
  3. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
  4. All that is dear to ma and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
  5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

At first, you might think oh my goodness what depressive thoughts. But i disagree. I think that those realities are not written down to make you feel depressed but to teach you to fully embrace this very moment. And to not push responsibility for your own well being aside if inconvenient, something I tend to do. So for me, point nr. 5 is the most difficult one to accept. If you have got a minute reflect upon which one it is for you.

Have a wonderful peaceful day and enjoy the lovely weather, the sun and the birds. Listen to their voices as I did and realize that spring is near....

Monday, February 23, 2009

How quickly nice moments pass if we are not vigilant

It is the first day of routine after a wonderful weeklong vacation where i once again learned how inspiring nature can be. I spent it with 2/3 of my family in the French Alps and I was reminded of one of the happiest time periods of my life where i was soooo carefree. I used to be a really good skier because my parents had taken me skiing since i was little. I always liked the combination of sports and nature so that is why i was so committed. Now i am realizing that it also makes me extremely content and satisfied to ski and i dont for once think negative thoughts. So i enjoyed myself and what is even nicer i enjoyed being with my husband because that is what i miss most. To have the luxury to actually sit next to each other in the lift and not talk because there is no time pressure he is not going on another trip or anything... i loved it. But i have to be careful not to let those happy moments pass too soon. Have you ever realized that we tend to say the vacation time passed soooo quickly and now real life has caught up again. I believe it is because we dont store the happy moments as consciously as the challenging ones - judging thoughts, negative thoughts are more in the forefront of our brains. And instead of cherishing those moments of true peace which i have found on the top of the Alps last week, my brain is telling me to now do laundry! No I will not. In fact, i will go and find my camera and download the pictures i took from the landscape and i will look at it, close the eyes and feel the cold breeze on my cheeks, the sunrays tickling my nose and the light shining through me. I will smell the cold air, a mixture of sunscreen and soap. And i will give thanks to the creator of this wonderful landscape. I will see nature for what it is. Perfect and the visible image of how we could all be if we only let life happen at lifes terms. I hope you enjoy some moments of peace today too.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

What is really important

Today, i was watching a performance by my 4th grade son. It was lovely to see him on stage and I remembered how much he struggled last year when he had to be presenting things to others. He was very shy and felt insecure. I related to him and hoped that he would overcome his fears while young because I still struggle with my image. How do others perceive me? How perfect do I have to be to be seen? Why do i need to be seen and why cant I just be content in my own little world? Well, my son clearly has learned over the past year that his image is not as important as how he feels about himself. He still was nervous today but he managed and even seemed at times to enjoy it. You could also see that he did not care too much about the reaction of the spectators. He simply did his job and was not concerned about what people would think about him. I thanked whoever helped him to find himself more at ease with his own personality and secretely wished to get a little bit of support from whoever as well. I am proud of my son and i consider it the most important accomplishment of him over the past months. His character has grown tremendously. His insecurities do not totally throw him off anymore and he is quite content with himself. This I firmly believe is the secret of happiness. It all starts from being content with the status quo of who you are where you are and what you do. To accept what is is the most important life lesson for me. And others too. I hope that everybody has a great day and is able to accept whatever comes up and maybe even go further embrace reality.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Reality glasses

hi everybody
today i realiyed that there are days where i just have to accept that they are not the best ones... and this simple sentence shows me that i am far away from accepting reality. Sometimes i think too much in extremes and this sentence shows me precisely that. A day does not have to be the best ever... it is already enough if it is a good day. Just like it is okay to acknowledge that not all days are good. That is life. There is always the hope that tomorrow will be a better one. But too much hoping gets you out of the moment i find. So for now i will be happy that i have a great babysitter who is loved by us all, that my children are healthy and my husband on his way back from the airport. Life could be better but it sure could be worse too. And if i reflect on my day, i actually did some nice things that i have already filed as past - i painted a painting, i chatted with my friends, i wrote a letter to my godchild. Many nice things have happened. I just forgot to put those glasses on where i can actually see them.
May you be able to wear those glasses a lot today and tomorrow and....

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The 3 Rs

Today for some reason I woke up at 5 with the three R´s in my head. The Dalai Lama once stated the importance of the 3 R´s for our lives. They are Respect for yourself, Respect for others and full Responsibility for your actions. At first, I just memorized the first 2 and for some strange reason I always have trouble in remembering the 3rd... which is kind of my weakness. I love to take responsibility for my actions if they are nice, worthwhile... but if they are having bad or sad consequences I would rather not. The 3 R´s really are the blueprint that I wish I could follow for my life. I know they lead to happiness which according to the Dalai Lama is what everybody strives for and deserves to obtain. But very often I realize that my actions are not perfect and as such I start becoming very critical of myself and do not fulfill the first R anymore.... it is a vicious circle and I am sure that a lot of perfectionists out there are trapped in it as well.
I taught my kids the 3 R´s and they thought it was easy. One asked why they were important. I answered that if we want to be happy that would be much harder if we didnt respect ourselves fully. He asked me why one wouldnt respect him/herself and I smiled. It is nice to see that children naturally do the right thing. They don´t dislike themselves if they have committed a mistake. It is only after the parents tell them that "they shouldn't have done that " that they start altering that thought. So for tomorrow I want to be thoughtful not to say "you shouldn't" too often. Not to others, and not to myself either.
Have a good evening everybody and talk to you tomorrow

Monday, February 9, 2009

1st time ever

hi everybody,
i cant believe i actually am writing my first blurp... a good friend of mine gave me the idea and because i love writing i thought it could be a good idea. But what do I actually write now??? A couple of thoughts that run through my head. The importance of honesty in friendship is something that comes to my mind. I had a lovely conversation this morning and realized how important it is to be honest to each other. The truth sometimes hurts us and our friends and even though it is very thoughtful to believe that it is better to not hurt the other person's feelings it is actually unhealthy. For us and the other person. We owe it to ourselves as well as to others to stay true to our thoughts. If we are avoiding a conversation because it is hurtful to others we are hurting ourselves because instead of practising the art of communication we are feeding our fear of saying something unpleasant. Fear is a good thing if we use it wisely but in this case it is not. I believe that i would like to learn more about communication because i am still working on developping that skill but for today i am very happy because i know my friend understood me, i stayed true to my feelings and i feel good.
Is that a good start for a blog???? I dont know.