Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I was given an assignment today by a very wise woman. I should try to write things of my heart and thus become free.. so I thought at first that this is an impossible task but here I am it is late and I am eager to write. About the idea of myself not being dependable. Why this subject? Because I feel overwhelmed a lot of times that people, especially my kids depend on me. On the one hand it is a nice feeling since they show me so much love and affection in their dependence. But i think often i cant live up to their expectations. I am so full of flaws. I make so many mistakes. Dont we all? you might say. Isn't that part of life? Yes, it is but especially over the last years I have not been a good advocate for myself. I couldnt really depend on myself staying on track. I was disappointed in myself in many ways. And therefore I now dont want to be the one others have to depend upon. I would much rather hide myself and not assume responsibility. This is the behaviour of an imature child though and not a middle aged housewife with a lot of time on her hands isn't it? So, this wise lady has already taught me many things and she has pointed out at various occasions that she thinks I am a very capable woman, but that in the past, my disease has made it impossible for me to believe in myself enough so to stand up and fight back.
Now, things are changing here. Things are going to be different. Not perfect. Because whoever strives to be perfect in an imperfect world leads a very impractical life. Again spoken from the wise lady who I have always admired. She reads my mind and I feel very safe next to her. Not judged but accepted. Challenged but in a loving not just demanding way.
So I am learning that by beating the disease I can rely more on myself and thus experience that if others are depending on me being their rock, I can be the rock. Maybe not the biggest one but I dont have to last 10000 years. I just have to show my kids how much I love them and that they can trust me. And I can let them into my world where there has been nobody over the past years. Just me and the disease.
I am grateful for learning opportunities and I know I can learn something new every day. Nobody has to be dependable 100 % all the time. This takes away a lot of pressure and makes me feel more at ease. I am detecting that by admitting that in some areas of my life I need a lot of help, i show that I need to be dependable on others and their opinions. Just like my kids depend on my feedback in all kinds of things. I dont need to give them perfect advice since there is no such thinga as perfect. The interesting part of life apparently is for me the afterlife if there is one....
Thank you wise lady for being there for me!

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