It seems that i am really not listening to myself... i didnt have a great day today because i was trying to please myself just as much as my kids and it ended up that i was too stressed out and lost it towards my kids... i also was too hard on them during the whole day. I realize that left by myself without Erik, it seems that i am not capable to be realistic and see them as who they are - children. I act irresponsibly towards them overloading them with responsibilities that i know deep down they cannot fulfill. Then, once that happens i first get mad at them and then i am angry towards myself because i know i was the one that made them miserable. The only beauty about this is, that each time it happens, i realize more and more how my past comes through how i sometimes just repeat what was done towards me when I was their age. This does not justify anything though. I also realized that i need Erik to pardon me in the evening because i will not pardon myself. This has to stop. His role cannot be the one exonerating my misbehavior. And i need to learn to forgive myself just as much as i need to forgive my children. Which i have noted they are much better than i am. I wished i could as easily forgive myself like they forgive me. Especially my oldest proved today once again,what a caring and wonderful soul he possesses. he was the first hugging me and saying that even though I completely overreacted he was sure that it was right to do something... i was so sad that he had to tell me over and over again that it is normal to make mistakes. A 12 year old should not have the responsibility to help his mom overcome her own weaknesses. He seems to be much more mature in a lot of ways than i am. But a tiny little voice tells me that maybe he has seen behind the selfish, sick outside inside my soul too - he has to have some of his goodness from me... not only Erik. This will help me forgive myself tonight and hopefully learn my lesson - not getting into verbal fights with my 6 and 10 year olds on what to do, but keep a predictable and clear message th they understand. If i start arguing i already put them into the position that they get defensive, then aggressive and then it is like a snowball, these emotions spill over onto me...
I need to be knowing that my mistakes will open the gate into learning so i will repeat the title of this blog over and over as my mantra.
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