Friday, May 15, 2009

The 3 l's

This morning when doing my yoga practice i was once again reminded of the wonderful things in my life that are happening. Part of my practice consists in dedicating the hour to somebody that might need some support and focusing the positive energy that is created during yoga on that person. Usually i say it is the first person coming to your mind. Today, i had a hard time first because i caught myself thinking of myself.. and while i know that i do need help and support more than ever it is selfish to only ponder about myself . So i found somebody else that will move soon and i know this person has a hard time at the moment realizing that her new life will be very different. I am sure she is excited and sad at the same time. But i am beginning to understand that my life is in "safe mode" in terms of moving at the moment and today i consider that a positive thing because moving is always stressful. Not only physically but more so in terms of your emotions. Constantly there is this battle between being sad and depressed of letting go of the old and being excited and yet scared of the unknown. And this tug of war is very hard to bear. I am grateful that for the moment this tug of war is not fought in my head. And i feel very compassionate for that other friend. I am hoping she will not have a bad start in the new old country. I am praying she will savour every bit of her old life. I am wishing that she will be organized enough to enjoy every breath at the fullest and keep her mantra - live laugh love vivid. She has been such an uplifting encounter for me and i will be missing her terribly. Yoga today has given me the gift of remembering all the great moments we have been able to spend together and while i never got really close to her i think she has become more than just an acquaintance for me. I hope i will be able to give some of the good vibes that i felt this morning to her as a farewell gift.
My personal story has been strange over the past weeks. While my spirit is better my health is worse... and i dont do anything against it. I just let it go and focus my energy on fulfilling my daily tasks. But i still dont care enough about me. Well, i first have to accept this and then i can act right???? Today i do and i feel not only compassionate for this friend leaving but also for myself. I feel that i have had quite a few challenges too that i need to deal with and i feel sorry for myself (without indulging in self-pity) that i have a disease that is not easy to conquer. i used to love challenges and try hard to accomplish whatever task has been given to me but this one is the hardest so far. It is unmanageable for most of the times... at least thats what i have learned. it doesnt help to want to fight it. It involves opening up to the help of others and boy oh boy i hate to ask for help. i hate to be pitied but yet i need pity. I hate to accept help but i realize that in order to get better i will have to eventually give in and do what others tell me to do...
May you all have a weekend filled with the three l's live laugh and love.... until the next time

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