Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The sunshine

Once again, i have seen the sunshine today. Not in the sky but in an encounter with a person. I have no other way to describe this meeting since I feel as if I bathed in the sun the whole time. I have taken a risk today to let another person look into my soul. Usually I don't trust people enough and therefore my life has become a rather solitary one. The ones that don't know me well, would never believe that but I have a very messed up brain and therefore my appearance is far from my real self. That contradiction is difficult to bear at times but since I have made this choice I can handle it. But deep down I always wish that somebody would be able to tolerate the other Susi, the one that doesnt have her acts together and struggles. Falls down quite a bit but refuses to give up. Has a hard time asking for help and an even harder time to accept help. Thanks to this amazing person though I felt safe and was able to share some things. This person is quite amazing since I feel that just by being near, one gets to experience joy. At least thats what I think it is. My spectrum of feelings is limited as a consequence of my disease and apart from negative feelings like anger and hatred I hardly feel anything and have a difficult time defining positive emotions. Still, I think it was joy that arose today and made me feel warm and happy and content. This person is so full of life, so full of energy that it spills over to the surrounding and I am deeply grateful for having been close today. Realizing that my real me does not make everybody turn around is a big thing. I took the risk today and was not disappointed. On the contrary, I had the impression that not only did it make me feel more accepted, the other person was not  making the impression I was too much to bear, something I am always concerned with.
So at this very moment I feel very content and settled and this is unknown territory too. I am not scared though, but just grateful for this encounter and wishing there were more to come. The sun in the persons face has led me to experience that I am not alone and that my life can be more fulfilled if I let others in.


  1. This is beautiful <3
    The feeling of being completely accepted is truly an amazing feeling :)