First, in my mind, Christmas has to be white, in other words snow has to be on the ground. Well, there is nothing except maybe a football that the kids left outside in the rain, on the ground outside.
Second, in my mind there has to be peace and harmony within the family always. At least you pretend. But because i have raised children that are fully capable of expressing their feelings even if they are angry, frustrated or bored or all of those, we have a lot of loud words in the house as well as a a few extreme outbursts of discontent and a lot of smashing doors.
Third, in my mind, you have to be surrounded by a lot of people that know you and greet you with merry Christmas. And I don't mean the cashier at the local grocery store. Well, we have moved less than one year ago, and quite frankly don't know many people too well.
The list could go on for a bit but I will stop right here. Take a deep breath and let the feeling of sadness in. Yes, I am sad with Christmas approaching. My three bullet points contribute to this and it is more than sad that I really still believe it is up to me to control the outcome. I am also sad because I think of the past Christmas dates and that some of them were so special that I wished they would happen again and they won't. Talk about dwelling in the past... Like the first Christmas with my oldest son, 15 years ago. It was just my husband, my newborn and me and I loved every second of it. I had an own family at last! I had somebody that loved me back ! Life couldn't get better. Like the year, where my middle child got the chicken pox at 9 months age and we had to drive to the hospital which was fifty miles away across the border the day before Christmas. And the doctors told us he would be ok. What a Christmas gift!
Or the first Christmas in the US where there was so much snow that we couldn't open the front door and Erik had to stay home from work. I was not scared I just loved the fact that nature was so powerful it could even make my husband stay home!
Anyways, after these moments of sadness I am ok. I know that I have had many great Christmas days. And I don't know if I have many ahead but i do know that I can make the best effort to have another memorable event in exactly one day. I can rely on God having the situation under control and I can just focus on little things. Like making a nice meal, decorating the table, having music on, lighting all my candles and hugging my family. Letting them know how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Calling my relatives in Germany and assuring them that I have not forgotten them and do miss them - even though I am glad to be here.
It is a wonderful time of the year and I am inspired to have a happy and joyous time. May you all have a wonderful Christmas too!
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