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Sunday, March 22, 2009

Emotions

What an emotional weekend I have had.... this weekend i met some friends from the USA who were here for a very short time and i was soooo sad to realize that even if i will return one day my problems with my own unhappiness will not disappear. Again, i had built up this illusion that everything will change once i am back there. And it will not. Because instead of tackling my issues with myself here, I just built this huge pink cloud and thought that i do not have to do anything with myself, just returning will solve things. For a lot of the people including my husband this had been crystal clear. Not for me though. Well, better late than never right? So now again, it is solely up to me to change. Nobody to blame except my own self. That hurts but it is necessary. Change is not supposed to be easy or pleasant. It is hard. And I feel very lonely. But i will not give in. I want to be able to be a better and healthier person. Therefore I will have to work on myself. Whenever my husband stated that my unhappiness is the fruit of not being able to immerse myself into the present moment I was very quick in blaming him or my present life on feeling sad. Now I know that this is not true. Unless I find a way to change my attitude towards myself here in this present moment, the future will not be pink but just as grey. So from feeling depressed and sad I went to feeling angry this morning. Why? Because my husband took the liberty to be sick for a day and I am not used to any other person being weak than my self. I realized how very selfish I am and I despise myself for that. I was not showing compassion towards himself but anger. That changed in the afternoon after we had a wonderful open conversation and I felt that he is just as desperate for a positive outlook on my present state of mind than I am. And i felt very very lucky to be surrounded by him. To be able to live next to him. I felt loved and that made me cry. Because i dont feel worthy of his love. He truly lives the unconditional love that I am asking for. Not always but he tries. Much harder does he try than myself. Which made me mad at myself again. And then, in the evening I felt happy for the first time in a long time. We played a family game and I felt very much a part of it all. Included in the warmth that my children and husband offer so abundantly. So i pretty much felt the whole chain of feelings. And now I am calm and satisfied. And hopeful and uplifted. I thank God for this opportunity to come in close contact with my inner voice this weekend. I also feel surrounded by a lot of good people that I can learn from. I have a very good friend who struggled with her own issues over the past week and i felt that. I wish I could take away her pain but i cannot. She has to go through her load of emotions. I am there if she needs me. That is all I can do. I will pray tonight that she finds peace in herself and the answers she is seeking. May you all be able to enjoy and learn from your emotions no matter how difficult they may seem at the moment.

2 comments:

  1. Quite the post there on Sunday. Sounds like a real emotional roller coaster.
    As hard as it is, to me it sounds like a good thing has happened to you. A lot of revelations of which most around you that love you will probably say: "Duhuh...".
    Somthing I hear you say continously though is that you need to change yourself and that you are not happy with your behavior, are mad with yourself, selfish, etc. etc. One of the things I have learnt over the years (with my own share of struggles and a super therapist) is that it is very hard to change and that some things I just needed to accept. In my case this means that I sometimes need to deal with unhappy feelings, emotions I rather not face actually. Luckily though, I now recognize these episodes and am able to allow them to happen. This idea of actually accepting this "weakness" has really helped me over the years, as hard as it was. Nobody is perfect and that is what makes people interesting (we would be so boring if we were all perfect) and I am not even sure what "perfect" means, since it is very subjective. All I know is that I did not feel that groovy yesterday (the result of too many things going on at the same time and me actually feeling slightly nervous about some professional projects etc) and I had ignored early signs that I should take some time for myself (not even a bad cold). It was the first time in a long time that I had to dig deep to look for the tools that I had learned years ago but I am happy that I did. The first thing for me is always: "Hey, you are not feeling well, you have a bit too much on your plate right now, you are a bit nervous about some stuff, this makes you panic a bit and the result is that your start to feel numb to protect yourself from actually feeling the real feelings." (This may sound really strange, but this is how my brain copes with negative emotions and melancholy). Just the fact that I can run a bath and say this to myself and allow myself to feel the weakness and the sadness, actually initiates a healing process. I will let all the worries and thoughts enter my brain and allow them to take over for about half an hour. Then I focus on my breathing and slowly meditate a bit. Important in this process is that I do not dwell on the negative for too long but that I give it its proper place. I know that I can not change some of who I am and how I react to certain situations and emotions and the most important lesson I learned is that for me the healing can only be found in the tools that allow me to accept some of this "weakness".
    Many people have natural coping mechanisms and some people will learn them from others and the methods are different from person to person.
    Of course I do not know how this would apply to you but I thought I'd share it since I often hear you talk about all the things you need to change in order to be happier and I am sure you could change some things but some things you will probably have to accept as part of you. I am not too keen on digging too deep since often the initial "trauma" and instigator of how we feel, react and live our emotions are not all that imporant anymore and our brains have found subsitutes to trigger certain emotions. (unless you know that there are certain episodes that clearly need to be dealt with of course) for me this was never the case so I am fine with the tools and the acceptance. This was not easy actually though now it find it all very logical and the way I deal with it makes sense to me. I am thinking of you and I know how wonderful you are and you are worthy of all the love that you get from the people around you and most of all from yourself. xxx PP

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  2. I only just now read your comment and think it is wonderful what you write. Maybe i should do therapy with you.... thank you my friend you just made my day.

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