Sunday, March 1, 2009
Today I am pondering why it is that I have a hard time to control my anger. I went to look up some quotes by my friend Buddha and of course he was right in : "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one that gets burned.'" After a dispute with my husband, this is exactly how I feel inside. I am mad at myself and hold on to this negative and self destroying thought like nothing else. It is very difficult indeed to not get affected by anger even if I think I was right. So I am wondering what I need to do in order to let go of this negative feeling. My strategy in the past has been to swallow and swallow until i was literally lit up from the inside. Of course, that does not create any positive feelings and so I want to change my strategy. But my human mind is not so easy to tame. I realize that even though i try to live more in the moment, I replicate past behaviors as well as past role models and can't free myself. But it is mandatory for me to get past my anger because it doesn't lead to anything constructive. I vow to do better next time. Yet, next time comes and I behave in a similar way. I will dump more on my stored anger on paper. This will not harm anybody and not create that foul mood that it is in my family at the moment. Again, the Buddha can be quoted: "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or deamons, heaven or hell". I am sure it is a battle worth fighting for. I have read a lot of buddhist inspirations and yet they very often don't stay with me. It is sooooo difficult and such a task to change your behavior, isn't it? But I want to remind myself that the light at the end of the tunnel will be love and that in my opinion is the greatest gift of all.