wherever you go there you are...

it is sunday morning and i have a story on my heart. i woke up very early this morning and decided to not get up but instead to listen to an audiobook with the great title "wherever you go there you are" by one of my favorite teachers Jon Kabat Zinn. he is the founder of the stress reduction clinic in Boston and a world leader in the field of meditatiion and its benefits for body and mind. Anyways, go read or listen to the book if you want to find out more about him. As i was listening i fell back asleep probably after half an hour. When i woke up i had to laugh that a book like this is soooo boring that i fall asleep. then i rewound and thought well, meditation is about knowing who and where and what you are and to be ok with that. To fall back asleep could then be interpreted as "at ease and content with herself, therefore back to sleep". This thought is a good one for me because it has been a long time since i felt at ease. Then another thought, a vicious one , entered my mind - meditation doesnt help you and you will never learn it... so i dont know why you are even listening to the thing..." Bad thought, not helpful.

Meditation has been hard for me but there have been times in my life where i benefited from it. The mere conscious making effort of eg when you take a walk, how you walk, how your feet step in front of each other, and then going more and more into details, (eg my right foot starts walking by attaching the heel to the floor, then i can feel my sole of my foot getting into contact with the earth, then my small toe... )leads in my case to me not only slowing down my walk but also to all of a sudden feel more, for example the coldness on my face... and i am then getting really focused. After approx. 5 min of doing this, and believe me it has been sooo hard not to get distracted or if distracted to just let the thought go and start again.... , i usually have forgotten worrisome thoughts or dangerous comments from my disease.

Yet this morning instead of "achieving" another level in the book, i fell asleep. And I am happy with the fact that meditation this morning was a great idea because i could sleep another 2 hours happily. And think it is funy too...