Monday, October 12, 2009

i am back!!!

to all my friends, yep i am back. After a long period of no writing blogs, partly because of my disease partly because i wanted to reflect whether i really want to share thoughts with others and the reason whhy , i have had the urge to come back. it is good for me. So i will structure my day to include some blog time over the next weeks where i hopefully contribute to making myself and others happy or reflective. not angry. Updating myself, i have checked into a clinic 2 weeks ago because my addiction to not eating and this killing myself slowly and steadily has gotten so strong that i saw no other solution. i hate myself for doing that because it feels like i am so selfish that i prefer to leave my family behind and ease into the nice clinic life. STOP!!!!!!!!! This i just realize is actually my disease talking. It tells me this to make me feel bad. So now i will show you and me the healthy voice.... i have checked into the clinic because i want to learn to fight my disease and to live a healthy happy life which will translate into being able to fulfill my life as a wife and mother and friend much better. This is the truth. It is hard to fight the diseases voice. Sometimes impossible. For all of you who dont know, my disease is called ED, eating disorder, it is male and vicious. (Not all men are vicious but this one is). ED is my best friend and my worst enemy. ED loves me because he controls me. ED hates me because i fight back now.. ED is the most trustworthy person because he never cheats on me. ED is always available 24/7. ED is my worst critic and he is never satisfied with myself. No matter how little i ate he will still find something. In short words he is a jerk that deserves to be kicked out of my brain. It is not so easy because over the years he mutated and is sometimes even for me hard to recognize. It is easier written than done to get rid of him. In this clinic i am learning that it is ok to have ED in my head probably all my life. The art is to not let him talk loud to me to not have him control my behaviour anymore. He might be able to control my thoughts but not my behaviour anymore. This is why i am here. This is why i need help. And it is ok to ask for help even for MS. PERFECT!!!! In my next weeks, the blogs will certainly evolve around ED - he loves that so i will try and make sure that every blog will end with a weapon against him. So today my weapon is
I have friends and supporters and a family. All of them love me the way i am not the way i look. All of them agree that i am sick and look sick. All of them want me to get better. I love my supporters and i want them to know that i am fighting.

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