Wednesday, November 11, 2009

the answer is not that hard

As i slowly but steadily reclaim my old me i am wondering whether i will eventually find out who i am - a question most people ask themselves at times i am sure. Am i the mother of three or is that just a role i am fulfilling? By definition, i would say that being a mom is a job but also a destination. Except that now i dont know whether i would choose that destination again.a Thankfully, i dont have to waste a thought about that, since it is a fact. i am a mother. So apart from that, what else am i? What i like doing could be leading to finding an answer. Except i like doing a lot of things... like painting, photography, reading, writing.... the list is getting bigger every day. That's nice to see, that i have a lot of things that i enjoy doing. But it is the doing part that i am a bit worried. If i just sit still and not do anything then i quicikly run away from myself. Because i feel that by not doing anything i have nothing to offer to myself. That boredom with myself causes ED to get hyper and make me do... so i want to learn that it is okay to just be. I also know that the answer to who am i lies in accepting life at lifes terms and grow with every second. My friends, the buddhists always point to the fact that if i dont live that very second to the fullest than my life loses meaningful time... since the past is gone and the future not yet there. But boy oh boy living in the moment is hard. That means taking the boredom... taking the restlessness and not reacting to it. I would like to say that i am closer to finding out who i am but fact is i am not. I need help and i think help is to just accept that i dont know what to do with my life. Should i continue fulfilling my roles as mom, wife... and concentrate on finding joy in those tasks??? Yes, this is a sensible approach since it doesnt involve creating new roles ... and i can paint, take pictures, read at the same time. So this was an easy process - finding happiness in the known is far less risky and consumes less energy. And i can honestly say that i am a good mom. i try hard and always stay true to the kids. I apologize when i make mistakes i tell the kids that i love them for how they are not what they do, i hug them and i try to make their life nicer. More i cant offer.... but i guess looking at their development, i see 3 happy troopers, that cruise quite easily through life and dont have major problems facing life.
I did a good job, and will continue to do so, with renewed energy and motivation. I am grateful for the second chance that i was given by someone up there... thanks! I might not be able to answer the question who am i at the moment but i have options to go ahead and will cherish my role as a mom even more!
May all the mothers out there feel the same way about themselves and not critizize themselves too harshly! May all the ones out there that do not have the role as mothers know their role in life and be able to enjoy it!


  1. you are tough on yourself. It is so difficult for a (wo)man to define him/herself that most people just define themselves through their function. I.e "I am a lawyer/singer/hairdresser/student etc... Personally I would be unable to answer. Now ist'it much more interesting to look for a would-be kind of definition. Ask yourself who you want to BECOME. And it can lead you on the right way. As the way is more important than the final destination. When I am too in the blue I remember the cinese saying "when you were born you were crying and every one else was smiling. Live in such a way that the day you die you will smile and everyone else will cry". And this saying will show you the way to the search for harmony. What you actually are will become what you will have been for a instant. Is it so important to freeze it with words ? You are yourself. A unique growing woman.

  2. Very interesting to see the other comment removed. It is maybe hard to face the truth in public.