Change is in the air.... and it feels so nice

Tonight will be the last night where i dont have a permanent address anymore. We are going to move in tomorrow and i cannot help but think that this is a true sign that things are good. After the turmoil called life that I have experienced over the past years, I am finally sailing into still waters. I will fight for all it is worth to keep the waters still since I have had enough waves for a long time and so does my family. I am not blaming anybody for this not even myself. The past is the past and it is gone. I will focus on the next day only. Well, maybe the next 2 days. I know myself and I know that one cannot change overnight, in fact I know that i will change slowly. But I will be patient not anticipating the results. Just learning anew how wonderful life is. How fascinating that i have been guided even though I did not know this. I have arrived here and things are falling into place. Just like I need it. I need structure and I will create structure and accept structure from around. I need love and I will receive love if I let it in. I will give love back because I know that my heart is not bad but hurt and in the process of healing.

I will write myself happy. I dont know how but I feel it is the right thing to do. It delivers inner peace.

It is a hard path at times to walk but then again, everybody has similar paths and not all our paths can be beautiful. Knowing that days can be just days without events happening makes it not a dull but real life. Knowing that I will struggle makes it real. The laughter and the tears to come make it real. I am back in life. Thanks be to God!

Dependable

I was given an assignment today by a very wise woman. I should try to write things of my heart and thus become free.. so I thought at first that this is an impossible task but here I am it is late and I am eager to write. About the idea of myself not being dependable. Why this subject? Because I feel overwhelmed a lot of times that people, especially my kids depend on me. On the one hand it is a nice feeling since they show me so much love and affection in their dependence. But i think often i cant live up to their expectations. I am so full of flaws. I make so many mistakes. Dont we all? you might say. Isn't that part of life? Yes, it is but especially over the last years I have not been a good advocate for myself. I couldnt really depend on myself staying on track. I was disappointed in myself in many ways. And therefore I now dont want to be the one others have to depend upon. I would much rather hide myself and not assume responsibility. This is the behaviour of an imature child though and not a middle aged housewife with a lot of time on her hands isn't it? So, this wise lady has already taught me many things and she has pointed out at various occasions that she thinks I am a very capable woman, but that in the past, my disease has made it impossible for me to believe in myself enough so to stand up and fight back.

Now, things are changing here. Things are going to be different. Not perfect. Because whoever strives to be perfect in an imperfect world leads a very impractical life. Again spoken from the wise lady who I have always admired. She reads my mind and I feel very safe next to her. Not judged but accepted. Challenged but in a loving not just demanding way.

So I am learning that by beating the disease I can rely more on myself and thus experience that if others are depending on me being their rock, I can be the rock. Maybe not the biggest one but I dont have to last 10000 years. I just have to show my kids how much I love them and that they can trust me. And I can let them into my world where there has been nobody over the past years. Just me and the disease.

I am grateful for learning opportunities and I know I can learn something new every day. Nobody has to be dependable 100 % all the time. This takes away a lot of pressure and makes me feel more at ease. I am detecting that by admitting that in some areas of my life I need a lot of help, i show that I need to be dependable on others and their opinions. Just like my kids depend on my feedback in all kinds of things. I dont need to give them perfect advice since there is no such thinga as perfect. The interesting part of life apparently is for me the afterlife if there is one....

Thank you wise lady for being there for me!

Welcome to the new world - I am not different

I am confused... did I really think that by going back to my home country I would automatically leave behind all the issues I have? I did and I admit that this was not the most adult way of dealing with things. But I thought to give it a try since it had worked before. It is not true, it hasnt worked and instead it just added up nicely to all the other issues I am self-loathing with. Anyways, I have found out that my issues had a visa to enter and therefore I have to address them. I dont like to since it ruins the false sense of identity that i have created over the years but now the urge to move is bigger than the fear of having to admit flaws... and so I do. I do things everyday that are good for me and that the sick part of me hates doing. I am finding out that humor goes along with most other emotions and makes it so much easier to deal with the more difficult ones. My soul is aching most of those days from all the burden it has to carry. That does sound like I am a self centred person and parts of me is. And this part has not gotten better. This part feeds on the mistakes I committ daily in my relationship with others. And has gotten a lot of food in recent years. The burden i am referring to is therefore something I have accumulated - not somebody else. Yes, a lot of people have hurt my feelings over the past years just like others peoples feelings were hurt. The difference between others and me is not big though. Because I dont know what others are doing with their burdens and I am not omnipotent so i dont know their ways of handling it. There lies a misconception on my side. I am not different from others. I am one of them. I have accumulated my own burden throughout the years and i am not looking at it. But to close eyes or move is not working - and therefore I am opening my eyes to all there is.

Guess what, some of the burden really is not that heavy. Other items are more bulky. One box at a time I can look at it. And I can remind myself that I am no different.

special days are ...

Special days are ...

days where you find yourself alone but are actually not... you just dont count the blessings around you.

I am becoming aware how much i shut myself of the beauty of life sometimes... and i dont know how to live anymore.

No i am not writing another self pity blog i said to myself tonight. Life is sh... at the moment and that is not going to change. but...

i have 3 kids that adore me and have done everything today to make me happy... including a song played on the piano...

i have special friends who are able to still believe in me while i dont

i have great new walking gear and did a wonderful nordic walking tour today... i actually enjoyed some silence.... first i walked with somebody i truly cherish and then i did a stroll on my own through a completely deserted forest and realized how pretty nature is at the moment and how fortunate i am to be able to actually see it

i had a stranger at the checkout talk to me for a while today and he was soooo nice and attractive and it was fun to see that he seemed to be reluctant to leave too. we talked about art and cities and... and the nicest thing was that he entered my world unexpected ly and left it the same way and i probably will never see him again but he showed me that to cherish the moment is what makes me happy... not the plans or the worries (i know you all know that but i do intellectually grasp this idea yet dont manage to live by it...)

i got many presents today from a far away husband who is trying hard to let me know he loves me even though i dont see or feel it the same way

i can be by myself and not hate all about myself for while.

So, i have the wish that i will be able during the next year of my life to be more positive and not only see my deficiencies but to come to terms with myself more. To let more people into my world and to give more to them. To stop moaning and start living. To stop with the behavior of myself i most hate - one day at a time.

thunderstorms are necessary

As the thunderstorm outside is winding down i have finally found the time to reflect a bit on the past weeks. I must say i have grown a small seed of compassion for myself.... sounds pathetic but that is just what it is. I am more and more aware of my flaws and that is not something i am proud of. The perfectionist in me hates my mistakes and would love to do what i used to be doing most of my life... hide them. But the truth is that i feel even though i have a strange and embarassing kind of disease that does not make me a bad person. I have disappointed many of my friends in the past weeks i know that. I have made them feel helpless because i know that they would love to help me but they cannot. i have to be able to help myself. But how?? Obviously the eating part doesn t work too well and therefore my weight has been dropping. No not as bad as it used to but there is reason to be concerned because the tendency is not the right one. Yet i decide to do this and that is so hard for my friends to watch. They cannot understand what the problem is. After all, some of them have watched me twice going into the hospital and staying there for a long time. Neglecting my duty as a mother as a wife and as a friend. My parents think i am doing this on purpose. And guess what? I think sometimes that they are right. I am deliberately choosing not to care for my own self but to look away. Yet in these past weeks i have started to actually not only hate myself for this but to at times feel some sort of compassion for my sick personality. I am a person with anorexia. Not more not less. But i am also somebody else. i can do things well and i am not too bad with the boys. i do an ok job with them most of the time. They are on my mind most of the time. Yes, i am acting irresponsible with myself. But not the whole time. The disease is part of me but that is not the only part. I need to convince myself of that daily when i fight against myself. I hardly ever win when i fight but i win when i accept myself. And that is a great lesson for the fighter in me. Fighting has delivered many results but it has not created happiness in myself. Instead it has created more and more self hatred. So the strategy to sit in front of food trying to eat it but not wanting to is not very succesful. it worked in the hospital because i wanted to get out. But now it does not work anymore. What does work is to find things in myself that i actually like and stress those... not focus on the food intake too much. I am very very sorry for all the stress and unhappiness i am causing my friends. Believe me i dont want to cause this. At least not all of me does that. The sick part yes but the other part feels the sadness that i am causing. What could help me? More inner peace with myself. More calm words. Less fights. A goal i could work on.

I am not giving in and i will continue to try hard. i cannot make any promises. I am tired of disappointing people so i just want them to know that i truly love my friends and that i feel with them. I am not an easy task and it gets worse. The only work that my friends can do is to not do anything. I need to come to terms with myself. As long as it may take. My recovery depends entirely on my behaviour not the one of my friends. I never assumed much responsibility when things were getting bad. Always when i benefited from them... but i know i am not the only one doing this. it gives me great comfort to look around and see that there are more people out there with issues around food than myself. I might feel alone with my problem but i am not !

So by letting everybody know that right now i am struggling i am doing a first step towards accepting myself. And i dont know how to solve the current issues but other people dont know either. By acknowledging that i am still very sick i go down the right lane. i am not my disease but it is a huge part. What the future brings whether it is more hospital stays or less i have no idea. I will sit and wait and reflect.

holidays are more than vacation

just thinking of the word holidays makes me realize how important vacation time is for me. it is the opportunity for me to reconnect with the special parts of life where my entire family is together. now that being said i know that it is not always easy since our family life is rather dysfunctional nowadays. husband completely absent most of the time and even when he is around he lives in a different world where the computer and the figures have so much power over him that he has no idea anymore how life with 3 kids is. during the holidays he has a strange way of coping with this different life. he first sleeps for 3 days and then he completely immerses himself and is mr super dad. kids love it but the older they get the more they know it is just a show for a predetermined number of days. i have a hard time too since i feel so disconnected from his thoughts and sit next to him wondering who he is... but usually i adjust to this different person too after a while.

still, i wish the word holidays would mean the same to him - holy that is, special and unique. maybe it has this meaning but i dont see him cherishing these days that much and the routine of work is so much more familiar to him that after the vacation it takes exactly 48 hrs and he is back to mr workaholic... sad but true and i have to learn to live with that since i get to enjoy the fruits of his work too.

i now know that i dont care that much for luxury anymore which makes it harder for me to understand why one has to work that much... but i try to see that it is a great life i get to live thanks to the money. how would we live had we less? no idea but i would love to try. not with this man though since taking away work would mean taking away his life.

so i will treasure every minute of my holy days and store them... every day only happens once so i will make the best out of it!

winter wonderland

Who would have thought that this winter is going to be so different? Lots of snow but also beautiful air, sunshine at times. Reminds me a lot of my winters in the U.S. and i like to be reminded of these happy times. I am settling in again with my family after my long absence and there hasnt been one morning yet when i didnt feel the love my children are showing me. I can see the beauty and the privilege of being their mom and i am so grateful that i had been given another chance. So as i am looking back on the weeks that i have been home i am quite content with myself. I have my daily struggles and fallbacks with ED but overall i am still in a good place. i dont think too much about the future because i then feel immediately homesick for the U.S. and that hurts too much. I am most grateful that i have my friends here and i know it is good for me to open up more to them. They are very different from me but I can learn so much from them. What a great opportunity to embrace life more!!! When I catch myself daydreaming too much about a different life i just look at my children and i dont need to look any further. They are here and I am with them. Thats all that matters. When i wish for something else, i do the same and it works. So i wouldnt say i am the most positive person now but i dont dwell on the negative things too much and just get on...

I firmly believe that my constant comparison with another person, another life, another country... leads to nothing but frustration. So when the thoughts arise, i greet them but i dont react. It is hard to change your personality but i dont have to change it. I can just accept the fact that i am person who always tends to compare but that doesnt make me a bad person. It is just part of me.

I know that a lot of people my age have similar thoughts and that calms me down and makes me feel less awkward. Another good thing. I really feel i am not alone...

So tonight i will kiss my kids and wish them sweet dreams and i am going to be excited if they tell me their dreams tomorrow...