Emotions

What an emotional weekend I have had.... this weekend i met some friends from the USA who were here for a very short time and i was soooo sad to realize that even if i will return one day my problems with my own unhappiness will not disappear. Again, i had built up this illusion that everything will change once i am back there. And it will not. Because instead of tackling my issues with myself here, I just built this huge pink cloud and thought that i do not have to do anything with myself, just returning will solve things. For a lot of the people including my husband this had been crystal clear. Not for me though. Well, better late than never right? So now again, it is solely up to me to change. Nobody to blame except my own self. That hurts but it is necessary. Change is not supposed to be easy or pleasant. It is hard. And I feel very lonely. But i will not give in. I want to be able to be a better and healthier person. Therefore I will have to work on myself. Whenever my husband stated that my unhappiness is the fruit of not being able to immerse myself into the present moment I was very quick in blaming him or my present life on feeling sad. Now I know that this is not true. Unless I find a way to change my attitude towards myself here in this present moment, the future will not be pink but just as grey. So from feeling depressed and sad I went to feeling angry this morning. Why? Because my husband took the liberty to be sick for a day and I am not used to any other person being weak than my self. I realized how very selfish I am and I despise myself for that. I was not showing compassion towards himself but anger. That changed in the afternoon after we had a wonderful open conversation and I felt that he is just as desperate for a positive outlook on my present state of mind than I am. And i felt very very lucky to be surrounded by him. To be able to live next to him. I felt loved and that made me cry. Because i dont feel worthy of his love. He truly lives the unconditional love that I am asking for. Not always but he tries. Much harder does he try than myself. Which made me mad at myself again. And then, in the evening I felt happy for the first time in a long time. We played a family game and I felt very much a part of it all. Included in the warmth that my children and husband offer so abundantly. So i pretty much felt the whole chain of feelings. And now I am calm and satisfied. And hopeful and uplifted. I thank God for this opportunity to come in close contact with my inner voice this weekend. I also feel surrounded by a lot of good people that I can learn from. I have a very good friend who struggled with her own issues over the past week and i felt that. I wish I could take away her pain but i cannot. She has to go through her load of emotions. I am there if she needs me. That is all I can do. I will pray tonight that she finds peace in herself and the answers she is seeking. May you all be able to enjoy and learn from your emotions no matter how difficult they may seem at the moment.

What are you worth?

Today, I am humbled by an answer my 10 year old gave me. I was asking him a question I had been asked yesterday: What do you think you are worth? I quite frankly did not come up with a good answer but my son did. He said I am worth as much as there is. Wonderful definition of self-worth I find. I am going to have to think really hard to be able to put that in better words. I am a slow learner and just finding out that self-worth does not depend on what you do, have achieved or made... but this intrinsic value is just there without me doing anything In my life, I always did stuff and i hardly ever stopped. Now I look at my son, and he already knows more about himelf than I did. He does not feel the need to accomplish things in order to feel loved. He just is. I am very happy about this. And will try to feel more what is in me without adding something from the outside. I will look at my son for guidance and give thanks to God for providing me with everything I need on a daily basis if I choose to look.

Headstand and lessons of life

This morning as i was doing yoga i once again realized what a wonderful life lesson it provides. I was coming up into headstand and noticed that not only do i still need the wall to be near me, even after having come up into headstand for the past 4 years and fallen forward only 2, it is also the pose that i most cherish and fear at the same time. I am fearful of being on my own without the wall, just like i am fearful to be in my life on my own. I am fearful of falling. Just like i am fearful of making mistakes . I am fearful of trusting my body and not using my mind. Just like i am fearful of trusting my instincts more than my thoughts. On the other hand i cherish the feeling of being upside down, just like i cherish the turmoil my life always has been. I cherish the fact that after a period of wobbling there usually enters some stillness into my body and i just hear my breath. Just like i love the daily routine that my life provides. So it is my pose. i would love to work on it just like i would love to work on my current life... if only it wouldnt cause such fear to become different. I will continue to work towards letting go of the wall, and being free. I know there will be a day where i can feel it is the right day to try.
Have a nice day everybody!

Anger part 2

It seems that anger is a particular dominant emotion of mine... so i had to look again what the Dalai Lama says and i found a quote that i would love to post here: "The key to transforming our hearts and minds is to have an understanding of the way our thoughts and emotions work. We need to learn how to identify the opposing sides in our inner conflicts. With anger, for example, we need to see how destructive anger is, and, at the same time, realize that there are antidotes within our own thoughts and emotions that we can use to counter it." So he says. Problem is that it seems I havent found the right antidotes yet... so today i was faced with the fact that after one of the many quarrels with my husband I realized that if I peel of the layer of anger what is left is pain and hurt. I am very sensitive it seems and it doesnt help knowing that. Thicker skin is required as well as more letting go.... how will I get that? Today i found some solace in just focusing on positive feelings towards my children. We went outside and I got distracted and that was good. I dont want to be hurt anymore and that is why i am now avoiding my husband for a bit... but strategies of avoidance are not working for a long time. I told him I was hurt he apologized and now I "just" have to forgive and let go. That is the task of the rest of the day. May you have an easier task tonight... until tomorrow

This too shall pass

Today, I am faced again with the fact, that my inner critic is very very loud...and tells me that i should be doing this and that and my other voice tells me to not... sometimes i wish i could have just silence. I rely a lot on finding silence from the outside, which in my case is yoga. Even though i cant do as much as i would love to, it has given me a tremendous amount of inner peace. Doing yoga has been one of the most rewarding experiences in my life and i am forever grateful to have had the opportunity and learn it from people who love it just as much as i do. Dont get me wrong, i have also met quite a few that were using yoga in a way that wasnt too appealing to me. But that is yoga too, you cannot label it under workout, or spiritual blurp or relaxation technique because it offers you whatever you allow it. For me, i love the fact that after 1 hour of yoga i dont feel the need to fiddle around anymore. I like the physical aspect that means i am getting stronger (a bit...) without having to go to a gym. Much more I appreciate though that i get to know my body very well. Yesterday i felt the crease between my shoulders for the first time moving inward when told so... before i had no idea how to move it at all. Did you know that there is a famous yogi who was able to stop his pulse with nothing but willpower? I know you are laughing now - and being the critical person that i am i do too. But i have experienced myself that you can train your brain to perform actions that you thought are completely impossible (try to lift your big toe of the mat and leave the other 4 toes on the floor... i can do that now but it took me quite some time to learn it) so i do consider it possible what the yogi did. Yoga is also about learning that there are moments in your life that seem to be unbearable and yet this too shall pass. It is your mind mostly that needs to be told that not your body. So for today, instead of telling my brain shut up i will maybe do a breathing technique i learnt and see if that changes things. I will not fight myself anymore. i will endure and know this too shall pass. have a wonderful day.

The evil side of humans part 2

Words can not express what happened yesterday in that school where one 17yr old killed students, teachers, bystanders and himself... and I find it extremely difficult to talk to my children about it. So far, they have only heard bits and pieces from the news but I am guessing it is going to be a major discussion item among them today so I want to inform them beforehand. I can feel the pain of the mothers of the killed people as well as the pain of the mother of the murderer. I am sure it is living hell to find out that your child has committed such a horrible thing too so I am going to be compassionate with the parents of the attacker. But where does such evil come from? Do I have to picture it as a sleeping volcano that is in all human race and given the right settings, the eruption will take place and the hot lava is going to pour over everything. Or is it "just" a sick person's action? I firmly believe in the inherent good of every personality but this happening shows me how important it is to be vigilant as a parent. The attacker it seems had recently lost his position. He was very quiet and subdued. He came from a family that was well off. The place was a southern German town. All these facts mean nothing. And yet somewhere in there is the key for him losing his mind. Maybe he was so mad because he never learned how to handle negative things like the losing of the job. Maybe he didnt know how to communicate well with his parents. Hmmm, communication - I know that this tool is decisive for the wellbeing of your own self as well as those of others. Now that is something I want to talk to my children about. Effective means of communication. When things get rought, when you get mobbed, when you are mad at yourself, mad at the teacher, word it out. Being a teenager you probably wont want to communicate with your parents first. If you dont have any friends you feel close to, write it out. Spit the things that torment you on paper. That is my plan for this mornings discussion of the event of yesterday. I am going to end now but not without sending out my love and compassion to the victims parents as well as the attackers parents.

Questions hard to answer

Today i was faced with the difficult task to answer my oldest sons question why people murder other people - we were listening to the news on the radio and they commented on a murder committed where an 18 year old killed a little girl. I did not know how to answer this question. it showed me that while I am almost used to horrible news like this my son clearly does not yet have this negative or should I say realistic point of view of the world. His concept of evil within the human race does not yet exist. And I don t know if I want to instill this sense that the world is not inherently good but has certain dark sides too. It is incomprehensible to him why a human being can deliberately hurt another one or even worse take the life of somebody else. Yet, this is also part of growing up. A sad part I find. I tried to explain to him that some people do not have a good judgement of what is morally good or bad but he still frowned at me. I think a huge part of growing up is to realize that what you could never imagine to happen can indeed take place and that we have to be lucky to not be part of this evil side of the world. I wish I could take away the pain that it will cause to him to see that there will be people who will hurt his feelings on purpose. It is our task as educators to create a sense in our children what is morally right or wrong. But where do I start? I catch myself a lot being irrational if it comes to this. I will explain him that drinking diet sodas is unhealthy only to be asked why I do it.... or I will tell him do not lick your knife and he says: Mum, I have seen you doing it.... to be a role model for my children has proven to be one of the many challenges I face daily. Being aware of your own deficiencies is a first and good step but it is not enough. And it is those little things that I believe will make a difference (so definititely no more licking of the knife....) and shape his character. They say that by the age of 12 the groundwork of education is pretty much laid. Small enhancements will be possible but as a whole his character traits are set. So today I was asking myself what is the most important character trait I would like to be fostered in my son - and clearly it is compassion (not the licking of the knife...) for others that I believe is most important. I vow to be a role model and to show him that caring for others will bring you joy and help you feel worthy. But being compassionate says my friend the Dalai Lama, starts with feeling love for yourself and there I definitely need to work on. I also hope that it is true that if I show compassion towards others it will ultimately come back to me and help me accept and love myself more. So I am making the committment to do something for others each and every day and also to try and be more respectful of my own needs. Which leads me to now stop writing and taking care of myself by going to have an early night. May you all have sweet dreams tonight.