Welcome to the new world - I am not different

I am confused... did I really think that by going back to my home country I would automatically leave behind all the issues I have? I did and I admit that this was not the most adult way of dealing with things. But I thought to give it a try since it had worked before. It is not true, it hasnt worked and instead it just added up nicely to all the other issues I am self-loathing with. Anyways, I have found out that my issues had a visa to enter and therefore I have to address them. I dont like to since it ruins the false sense of identity that i have created over the years but now the urge to move is bigger than the fear of having to admit flaws... and so I do. I do things everyday that are good for me and that the sick part of me hates doing. I am finding out that humor goes along with most other emotions and makes it so much easier to deal with the more difficult ones. My soul is aching most of those days from all the burden it has to carry. That does sound like I am a self centred person and parts of me is. And this part has not gotten better. This part feeds on the mistakes I committ daily in my relationship with others. And has gotten a lot of food in recent years. The burden i am referring to is therefore something I have accumulated - not somebody else. Yes, a lot of people have hurt my feelings over the past years just like others peoples feelings were hurt. The difference between others and me is not big though. Because I dont know what others are doing with their burdens and I am not omnipotent so i dont know their ways of handling it. There lies a misconception on my side. I am not different from others. I am one of them. I have accumulated my own burden throughout the years and i am not looking at it. But to close eyes or move is not working - and therefore I am opening my eyes to all there is.

Guess what, some of the burden really is not that heavy. Other items are more bulky. One box at a time I can look at it. And I can remind myself that I am no different.

special days are ...

Special days are ...

days where you find yourself alone but are actually not... you just dont count the blessings around you.

I am becoming aware how much i shut myself of the beauty of life sometimes... and i dont know how to live anymore.

No i am not writing another self pity blog i said to myself tonight. Life is sh... at the moment and that is not going to change. but...

i have 3 kids that adore me and have done everything today to make me happy... including a song played on the piano...

i have special friends who are able to still believe in me while i dont

i have great new walking gear and did a wonderful nordic walking tour today... i actually enjoyed some silence.... first i walked with somebody i truly cherish and then i did a stroll on my own through a completely deserted forest and realized how pretty nature is at the moment and how fortunate i am to be able to actually see it

i had a stranger at the checkout talk to me for a while today and he was soooo nice and attractive and it was fun to see that he seemed to be reluctant to leave too. we talked about art and cities and... and the nicest thing was that he entered my world unexpected ly and left it the same way and i probably will never see him again but he showed me that to cherish the moment is what makes me happy... not the plans or the worries (i know you all know that but i do intellectually grasp this idea yet dont manage to live by it...)

i got many presents today from a far away husband who is trying hard to let me know he loves me even though i dont see or feel it the same way

i can be by myself and not hate all about myself for while.

So, i have the wish that i will be able during the next year of my life to be more positive and not only see my deficiencies but to come to terms with myself more. To let more people into my world and to give more to them. To stop moaning and start living. To stop with the behavior of myself i most hate - one day at a time.

thunderstorms are necessary

As the thunderstorm outside is winding down i have finally found the time to reflect a bit on the past weeks. I must say i have grown a small seed of compassion for myself.... sounds pathetic but that is just what it is. I am more and more aware of my flaws and that is not something i am proud of. The perfectionist in me hates my mistakes and would love to do what i used to be doing most of my life... hide them. But the truth is that i feel even though i have a strange and embarassing kind of disease that does not make me a bad person. I have disappointed many of my friends in the past weeks i know that. I have made them feel helpless because i know that they would love to help me but they cannot. i have to be able to help myself. But how?? Obviously the eating part doesn t work too well and therefore my weight has been dropping. No not as bad as it used to but there is reason to be concerned because the tendency is not the right one. Yet i decide to do this and that is so hard for my friends to watch. They cannot understand what the problem is. After all, some of them have watched me twice going into the hospital and staying there for a long time. Neglecting my duty as a mother as a wife and as a friend. My parents think i am doing this on purpose. And guess what? I think sometimes that they are right. I am deliberately choosing not to care for my own self but to look away. Yet in these past weeks i have started to actually not only hate myself for this but to at times feel some sort of compassion for my sick personality. I am a person with anorexia. Not more not less. But i am also somebody else. i can do things well and i am not too bad with the boys. i do an ok job with them most of the time. They are on my mind most of the time. Yes, i am acting irresponsible with myself. But not the whole time. The disease is part of me but that is not the only part. I need to convince myself of that daily when i fight against myself. I hardly ever win when i fight but i win when i accept myself. And that is a great lesson for the fighter in me. Fighting has delivered many results but it has not created happiness in myself. Instead it has created more and more self hatred. So the strategy to sit in front of food trying to eat it but not wanting to is not very succesful. it worked in the hospital because i wanted to get out. But now it does not work anymore. What does work is to find things in myself that i actually like and stress those... not focus on the food intake too much. I am very very sorry for all the stress and unhappiness i am causing my friends. Believe me i dont want to cause this. At least not all of me does that. The sick part yes but the other part feels the sadness that i am causing. What could help me? More inner peace with myself. More calm words. Less fights. A goal i could work on.

I am not giving in and i will continue to try hard. i cannot make any promises. I am tired of disappointing people so i just want them to know that i truly love my friends and that i feel with them. I am not an easy task and it gets worse. The only work that my friends can do is to not do anything. I need to come to terms with myself. As long as it may take. My recovery depends entirely on my behaviour not the one of my friends. I never assumed much responsibility when things were getting bad. Always when i benefited from them... but i know i am not the only one doing this. it gives me great comfort to look around and see that there are more people out there with issues around food than myself. I might feel alone with my problem but i am not !

So by letting everybody know that right now i am struggling i am doing a first step towards accepting myself. And i dont know how to solve the current issues but other people dont know either. By acknowledging that i am still very sick i go down the right lane. i am not my disease but it is a huge part. What the future brings whether it is more hospital stays or less i have no idea. I will sit and wait and reflect.

holidays are more than vacation

just thinking of the word holidays makes me realize how important vacation time is for me. it is the opportunity for me to reconnect with the special parts of life where my entire family is together. now that being said i know that it is not always easy since our family life is rather dysfunctional nowadays. husband completely absent most of the time and even when he is around he lives in a different world where the computer and the figures have so much power over him that he has no idea anymore how life with 3 kids is. during the holidays he has a strange way of coping with this different life. he first sleeps for 3 days and then he completely immerses himself and is mr super dad. kids love it but the older they get the more they know it is just a show for a predetermined number of days. i have a hard time too since i feel so disconnected from his thoughts and sit next to him wondering who he is... but usually i adjust to this different person too after a while.

still, i wish the word holidays would mean the same to him - holy that is, special and unique. maybe it has this meaning but i dont see him cherishing these days that much and the routine of work is so much more familiar to him that after the vacation it takes exactly 48 hrs and he is back to mr workaholic... sad but true and i have to learn to live with that since i get to enjoy the fruits of his work too.

i now know that i dont care that much for luxury anymore which makes it harder for me to understand why one has to work that much... but i try to see that it is a great life i get to live thanks to the money. how would we live had we less? no idea but i would love to try. not with this man though since taking away work would mean taking away his life.

so i will treasure every minute of my holy days and store them... every day only happens once so i will make the best out of it!

winter wonderland

Who would have thought that this winter is going to be so different? Lots of snow but also beautiful air, sunshine at times. Reminds me a lot of my winters in the U.S. and i like to be reminded of these happy times. I am settling in again with my family after my long absence and there hasnt been one morning yet when i didnt feel the love my children are showing me. I can see the beauty and the privilege of being their mom and i am so grateful that i had been given another chance. So as i am looking back on the weeks that i have been home i am quite content with myself. I have my daily struggles and fallbacks with ED but overall i am still in a good place. i dont think too much about the future because i then feel immediately homesick for the U.S. and that hurts too much. I am most grateful that i have my friends here and i know it is good for me to open up more to them. They are very different from me but I can learn so much from them. What a great opportunity to embrace life more!!! When I catch myself daydreaming too much about a different life i just look at my children and i dont need to look any further. They are here and I am with them. Thats all that matters. When i wish for something else, i do the same and it works. So i wouldnt say i am the most positive person now but i dont dwell on the negative things too much and just get on...

I firmly believe that my constant comparison with another person, another life, another country... leads to nothing but frustration. So when the thoughts arise, i greet them but i dont react. It is hard to change your personality but i dont have to change it. I can just accept the fact that i am person who always tends to compare but that doesnt make me a bad person. It is just part of me.

I know that a lot of people my age have similar thoughts and that calms me down and makes me feel less awkward. Another good thing. I really feel i am not alone...

So tonight i will kiss my kids and wish them sweet dreams and i am going to be excited if they tell me their dreams tomorrow...

the answer is not that hard

As i slowly but steadily reclaim my old me i am wondering whether i will eventually find out who i am - a question most people ask themselves at times i am sure. Am i the mother of three or is that just a role i am fulfilling? By definition, i would say that being a mom is a job but also a destination. Except that now i dont know whether i would choose that destination again.a Thankfully, i dont have to waste a thought about that, since it is a fact. i am a mother. So apart from that, what else am i? What i like doing could be leading to finding an answer. Except i like doing a lot of things... like painting, photography, reading, writing.... the list is getting bigger every day. That's nice to see, that i have a lot of things that i enjoy doing. But it is the doing part that i am a bit worried. If i just sit still and not do anything then i quicikly run away from myself. Because i feel that by not doing anything i have nothing to offer to myself. That boredom with myself causes ED to get hyper and make me do... so i want to learn that it is okay to just be. I also know that the answer to who am i lies in accepting life at lifes terms and grow with every second. My friends, the buddhists always point to the fact that if i dont live that very second to the fullest than my life loses meaningful time... since the past is gone and the future not yet there. But boy oh boy living in the moment is hard. That means taking the boredom... taking the restlessness and not reacting to it. I would like to say that i am closer to finding out who i am but fact is i am not. I need help and i think help is to just accept that i dont know what to do with my life. Should i continue fulfilling my roles as mom, wife... and concentrate on finding joy in those tasks??? Yes, this is a sensible approach since it doesnt involve creating new roles ... and i can paint, take pictures, read at the same time. So this was an easy process - finding happiness in the known is far less risky and consumes less energy. And i can honestly say that i am a good mom. i try hard and always stay true to the kids. I apologize when i make mistakes i tell the kids that i love them for how they are not what they do, i hug them and i try to make their life nicer. More i cant offer.... but i guess looking at their development, i see 3 happy troopers, that cruise quite easily through life and dont have major problems facing life.

I did a good job, and will continue to do so, with renewed energy and motivation. I am grateful for the second chance that i was given by someone up there... thanks! I might not be able to answer the question who am i at the moment but i have options to go ahead and will cherish my role as a mom even more!

May all the mothers out there feel the same way about themselves and not critizize themselves too harshly! May all the ones out there that do not have the role as mothers know their role in life and be able to enjoy it!

How many tears are too many??? or Winnetou is right...

No, the subject of this blog is not a sad one... on the contrary, as i was shedding tears today i realized that it has been a long time- probably almost a year that i felt so sad and ironically that makes me happy. Why??? Part of my disease is the cutting of unnecessary energy and emotions like crying use energy. My body needed every morsel of energy for maintaing its functioning therefore i did no longer have any feelings of sadness. This is no longer the case and that means if i touch things that have happened in the past that i felt sad about or hurt i can now cry about them. No, i cant let go of the things of the past. not yet. but the day is near... and i just feel tired and emotionally drained today. not more not less.

I bought a little funny book today for my husband that has the title How would Winnetou have decided (Winnetou is the most famous movie-American Indian that Germany ever produced) and it contains little fairy tale type of stories about being succesful. And of course one chaper is entitled "Winnetous rule no 5 : Always try and help yourself." The short sentence that the reader is supposed to memorize is: If you are looking for a helping hand, look first at the end of your right arm. Now that is new to me. Arent all the self help books always telling me that in order to change behaviour i have to learn how to ask others for help??? Both is true, but i like the aspect that Winnetou states that no problem can be solved solely by relying on the big manitoo (AKA God, Buddha....) entirely. For self centred people like me i like being helped and yell at them for treating me like a needy person.. so i want to visualize me having a right hand and a manitoo and then.... i smile and think YES WE CAN!!!