Paulo Coelho did it ... again

This morning I am waking up with this sense of fear. I do know why and I don't want to talk about it so I went on Paulo Coelhos webpage and it took all of 3 minutes to find a quote that I absolutely love and would like to share...
"Minds are like parachutes; they only function when they are open."
I like the vision this quote creates it will make it very easy to explain to the kids. Oh yes, they will hear this since I firmly believe that the restrictions in your point of views happen at every age.
Of course, looking at a teenager, one might think that he has an open mind.... but not if it comes to his parents. We are lame. We are controlling. We are so old-fashioned and we have no idea what a teenager needs. Really? Really. I remember growing up my Dad switched off the radio station I had picked immediately labeling it as horrible. I did not like it. And I let my teenager pick the station most of the time. I believe that music is one of the strings that keep families attached to each other. So I am trying to be open minded if it comes to this and some of the music of Julius I love so much that I give him the cd.... only to copy it.
Now whether a younger child has to be reminded of an open mindedness i am not sure. I see the world with the eyes of my youngest and it is all open and fluid. Everything is interesting or at least captivating for a while. Boredom has not yet entered his mind since a lot is new.
What if we look at the world from his point of view? As if everything was new and unknown? Wouldn't that be cool. And scary. For as adults, we have had the one thing that children have not experienced yet. We have stored the negative consequences of actions. My 9yr old is just starting to do it and I wish he wouldn't have to. But if something hurts it is hard to stay open minded and therefore he like all human beings shuts some doors.
I will teach the children though that the mind is acting like a muscle and that if we don't move it it will get rusty.... and that as a consequence of an open parachute you experience the fear of falling but also the joy of landing safely....

The Beauty of Watching Children

Over the holidays I have a myriad of opportunities to watch my children. Since Mrs. Negative is part of my personality I seldom miss an act of misbehavior but this time I am really trying to see the beauty in their actions. I have learned from them that in order to be more balanced you go down in the basement and play a round of hockey with silly little plastic sticks. It is very important to move around a lot and pretend to be a pro. At times you have to wrestle the opponent and pretend to roll in mud so it looks like it is a real fight. It is very important to win thus it is quite all right to be mad at the opponents when losing. I am describing this in such great detail since really there is so much truth in that. In order to be more balanced I need to be physically active. They do to except they don't plan a workout in advance, calculate how many calories to burn and what to eat or drink afterwards, they just play and never think of a workout. Why is that? Who makes them do that? ''I will have the same" is what I say (just like the woman sitting next to Sally in the restaurant in the brilliant old movie When Harry met Sally for those of you that still remember that scene...)
So what do I have to do? Beep - I don't have to do. I am now convinced that my children are guided by something beautiful that makes them cruise along through life in a carefree way. I have to admit it is hard to write this since the sceptic in me does not believe it - but I am certain that the drive to behave like this is the voice of God. Somebody out there is watching them grow. Is instilling them with beautiful and healthy ideas . Now that being said, is it also God that makes them scream at each other 10 min. later and yell that they hate each other? Difficult but I feel that this behavior is another sign that perfect harmony is an illusion. For me such an important lesson to learn from - guess who - God. By arguing with each other they are learning to be able to dislike something in somebody without disliking the person. They learn that love tied to certain behaviors is not real love. Again this is Gods message. I am deeply grateful that my eyes  see so much more behind their actions.
Children are the gift of God and many would kill to have this gift. I tend to take it for granted and become complacent. Today I will watch them with God's eyes and be forever grateful to have them in my life. When I will be insecure I will turn to them because they know without having to know.

Christmas is near...

This morning I woke up and felt like I needed to tell the whole world that a special date is approaching. You can easily see the arrogant part in me ... as if people around the world have not been bombarded by millions of messages containing the word Christmas, as if it was up to me to tell others that a day is special but anyways I am very puzzled by this years Christmas.

First, in my mind, Christmas has to be white, in other words snow has to be on the ground. Well, there is nothing except maybe a football that the kids left outside in the rain, on the ground outside.

Second, in my mind there has to be peace and harmony within the family always. At least you pretend. But because i have raised children that are fully capable of expressing their feelings even if they are angry, frustrated or bored or all of those, we have a lot of loud words in the house as well as a a few extreme outbursts of discontent and a lot of smashing doors.

Third, in my mind, you have to be surrounded by a lot of people that know you and greet you with merry Christmas. And I don't mean the cashier at the local grocery store. Well, we have moved less than one year ago, and quite frankly don't know many people too well.

The list could go on for a bit but I will stop right here. Take a deep breath and let the feeling of sadness in. Yes, I am sad with Christmas approaching. My three bullet points contribute to this and it is more than sad that I really still believe it is up to me to control the outcome. I am also sad because I think of the past Christmas dates and that some of them were so special that I wished they would happen again and they won't. Talk about dwelling in the past... Like the first Christmas with my oldest son, 15 years ago. It was just my husband, my newborn and me and I loved every second of it. I had an own family at last! I had somebody that loved me back ! Life couldn't get better. Like the year, where my middle child got the chicken pox at 9 months age and we had to drive to the hospital which was fifty miles away across the border the day before Christmas. And the doctors told us he would be ok. What a Christmas gift!

Or the first Christmas in the US where there was so much snow that we couldn't open the front door and Erik had to stay home from work. I was not scared I just loved the fact that nature was so powerful it could even make my husband stay home!

Anyways, after these moments of sadness I am ok. I know that I have had many great Christmas days. And I don't know if I have many ahead but i do know that I can make the best effort to have another memorable event in exactly one day. I can rely on God having the situation under control and I can just focus on little things. Like making a nice meal, decorating the table, having music on, lighting all my candles and hugging my family. Letting them know how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Calling my relatives in Germany and assuring them that I have not forgotten them and do miss them - even though I am glad to be here.

It is a wonderful time of the year and I am inspired to have a happy and joyous time. May you all have a wonderful Christmas too!

The sunshine

Once again, i have seen the sunshine today. Not in the sky but in an encounter with a person. I have no other way to describe this meeting since I feel as if I bathed in the sun the whole time. I have taken a risk today to let another person look into my soul. Usually I don't trust people enough and therefore my life has become a rather solitary one. The ones that don't know me well, would never believe that but I have a very messed up brain and therefore my appearance is far from my real self. That contradiction is difficult to bear at times but since I have made this choice I can handle it. But deep down I always wish that somebody would be able to tolerate the other Susi, the one that doesnt have her acts together and struggles. Falls down quite a bit but refuses to give up. Has a hard time asking for help and an even harder time to accept help. Thanks to this amazing person though I felt safe and was able to share some things. This person is quite amazing since I feel that just by being near, one gets to experience joy. At least thats what I think it is. My spectrum of feelings is limited as a consequence of my disease and apart from negative feelings like anger and hatred I hardly feel anything and have a difficult time defining positive emotions. Still, I think it was joy that arose today and made me feel warm and happy and content. This person is so full of life, so full of energy that it spills over to the surrounding and I am deeply grateful for having been close today. Realizing that my real me does not make everybody turn around is a big thing. I took the risk today and was not disappointed. On the contrary, I had the impression that not only did it make me feel more accepted, the other person was not  making the impression I was too much to bear, something I am always concerned with.
So at this very moment I feel very content and settled and this is unknown territory too. I am not scared though, but just grateful for this encounter and wishing there were more to come. The sun in the persons face has led me to experience that I am not alone and that my life can be more fulfilled if I let others in.

Old friends - new friends

I had the pleasure to get to know some new acquaintances more yesterday at a party we hosted. While I realize that we are going to have to put effort into making new friends since most people our age already have a circle of friends and with life being so busy they don't take the extra time to meet people I also am noticing that the word friend is really hard to describe. Growing up I did not have a best friend, I had a personality that made it hard to stick with people. I guess I do miss that feeling now especially when other people tell me about their best friend. While moving around in the world I made a lot of friends. Friends for life? I don't think so. Again, I was like a butterfly flying from one beautiful flower to the next one not sure whether to stay or not. Still, I made sure that from every country we went to, I kept one name at least and since we now all have FB it is easy to connect with them.
I once had a person in my inner circle that I felt was my closest friend I had ever made. She was always there for me and for the first time, I felt safe and ok to let my guards down every once in a while. It was a wonderful feeling to be able to trust and to have somebody else except my husband. I needed that since my other half has developed differently and we don't share the same views or thoughts most of the time. Then something happened and this friend chose to withdraw from me. I was heartbroken for the second time in my life and I believe I never have healed completely. Some things leave permanent scratches on your heart that not even time can mend.
I felt very isolated the last 4 years and this was because I chose to. I felt that it didn't serve any purpose to make new friends for life and became very black and white thinking. I found out too late how many good people were surrounding me at that time and felt sorry for them to have chosen the butterfly. While in hiding I concocted with one person more than with anybody else and she was a wonderful companion. But she was also very vulnerable and sometimes I felt that I couldnt burden her with my personality and held back.
When looking into the new faces yesterday I finally understand my friend the Dalai Lama who wrote on friendship " Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."
By welcoming new faces into my world and not being worried that I couldn't fulfill their expectations or they couldn't fulfill mine, in fact by just not judging, I experienced real joy last night. I could see the people in their beauty, could see how much I can learn from them and that I could maybe even try to let them see behind the facade of me.  I also know that I might never experience the "best friend feeling" free of fear and that is ok. It is me. I am scared and excited at the same time. I am curious to find out more of the new faces. It is nice to be able to have enjoyed the night and not be hopeful for more. Just be present and soak up the liveliness that humans possess.
So I am thinking of throwing another party sooner than later and maybe open up more a bit, but I am not expecting anything in return. I had a great time and enjoyed the laughter beauty and light other people bring in my life.

Dalai Lama - the wise guy

So today I found my Dalai Lama again... literally. This quote is so true... "It is said that if you want to know what you were doing in the past, look at your body now, if you want to know what will happen in the future, look at what your mind is doing now." 

How did he know that my distorted thoughts are my biggest complaint? I am beginning to wonder if there are other people out there who think as complicated as me. I know that part of my disease is that I am too much in my head. But that doesn't express how loud these voices are. How much it costs me to not listen to them. I feel like there is constant noise racing through every cell of my brain and I don't have the energy anymore to stop that. Stop - not always generalizing. I can act as if I don't listen. Like my kids who pretend not to listen when I tell them to do certain things. In fact, I like this picture. Why not just act deaf to ED ? Or his fellows, perfectionism and inner criticism.
It sounds like I am lecturing myself which I am. I am going to lecture whatever it takes just to stop listening to those voices.
The Dalai Lama has no ED. Still he composed this quote. Which tells me there are a lot of people out there not able to just live in the present but rather comparing to the past or anticipating the future. Both of which takes away the joy of life. I am sure that I cannot change my future since something or somebody has the key to this door and it is definitely not me. So for the next couple of days I want to try to watch my thoughts closely and direct them back to the today. Not all my thoughts are distorted that much I know. I will try to identify the truth from the false ideas. Hard work. But then again - I feel up to it, up to find out more about myself than me just being my disease.
I love the Dalai Lama for his wisdom and will, now that i found his quotes again, read more of him. Life is what I make of it, right? This includes finding and using my resources of which I have many.

That was hard....

To get back into the swing of writing is not as easy as I thought it to be. First, I had to figure out how to access my blogger page... that took a long time since my scattered brain forgot that I used a different email for this blog... but I managed. Now, instead of working my abs, which I usually do in the evening I have to think instead.

I am thinking of.... how to free my life from my ever present arch enemy. My disease. Who is holding on tightly even though I want it to disappear. Who tells me that no matter where I am, I am still not perfect enough to be left. Who is my friend when the feeling that I cannot face life like other people gets overwhelming. Who has left me with a body that doesn't look like I want it to look. Guess what? I know it won't ever be like I want it. No matter how hard I will try there will always be this feeling that I don't belong into that body. That I don't look like I try hard.

So it is about accepting the unacceptable. If anybody has a blueprint on how to do it, feel free to tell me. But I know that there lies my task. I don't like hard work, at least not that kind. I like to postpone things that are unpleasant. And I sure as hell don't like to think that I will not manage to look better. This disease is a monster. It morphes into other obsessions. So when I am on top of my food plan, it morphes into the exercise monster. If I control this, it moves into the perfectionist career monster. I don't even know where it is not present at the moment. It even invaded the beach. I used to be able to just go and love the beach. Now I have to swim every time I am there, no matter how cold the water is.

I am pretty helpless right now. But I am aware that by telling on this, ED looses its grip a bid. It lives in the dark. I vow to get it my ammunition out and tell the things that are bothering me. Whether it will be certain food groups or certain emotions I am sick of hiding. Since I don't have anything else to lose I might as well try that path.

I am wishing nobody every gets in touch with ED since it really is horrific to live with it. May you be safe and sound and know that no emotion is painful enough to be traded in for ED. Nothing is of value to ED. I will learn every day again to see the truth.

Change is in the air.... and it feels so nice

Tonight will be the last night where i dont have a permanent address anymore. We are going to move in tomorrow and i cannot help but think that this is a true sign that things are good. After the turmoil called life that I have experienced over the past years, I am finally sailing into still waters. I will fight for all it is worth to keep the waters still since I have had enough waves for a long time and so does my family. I am not blaming anybody for this not even myself. The past is the past and it is gone. I will focus on the next day only. Well, maybe the next 2 days. I know myself and I know that one cannot change overnight, in fact I know that i will change slowly. But I will be patient not anticipating the results. Just learning anew how wonderful life is. How fascinating that i have been guided even though I did not know this. I have arrived here and things are falling into place. Just like I need it. I need structure and I will create structure and accept structure from around. I need love and I will receive love if I let it in. I will give love back because I know that my heart is not bad but hurt and in the process of healing.

I will write myself happy. I dont know how but I feel it is the right thing to do. It delivers inner peace.

It is a hard path at times to walk but then again, everybody has similar paths and not all our paths can be beautiful. Knowing that days can be just days without events happening makes it not a dull but real life. Knowing that I will struggle makes it real. The laughter and the tears to come make it real. I am back in life. Thanks be to God!

Dependable

I was given an assignment today by a very wise woman. I should try to write things of my heart and thus become free.. so I thought at first that this is an impossible task but here I am it is late and I am eager to write. About the idea of myself not being dependable. Why this subject? Because I feel overwhelmed a lot of times that people, especially my kids depend on me. On the one hand it is a nice feeling since they show me so much love and affection in their dependence. But i think often i cant live up to their expectations. I am so full of flaws. I make so many mistakes. Dont we all? you might say. Isn't that part of life? Yes, it is but especially over the last years I have not been a good advocate for myself. I couldnt really depend on myself staying on track. I was disappointed in myself in many ways. And therefore I now dont want to be the one others have to depend upon. I would much rather hide myself and not assume responsibility. This is the behaviour of an imature child though and not a middle aged housewife with a lot of time on her hands isn't it? So, this wise lady has already taught me many things and she has pointed out at various occasions that she thinks I am a very capable woman, but that in the past, my disease has made it impossible for me to believe in myself enough so to stand up and fight back.

Now, things are changing here. Things are going to be different. Not perfect. Because whoever strives to be perfect in an imperfect world leads a very impractical life. Again spoken from the wise lady who I have always admired. She reads my mind and I feel very safe next to her. Not judged but accepted. Challenged but in a loving not just demanding way.

So I am learning that by beating the disease I can rely more on myself and thus experience that if others are depending on me being their rock, I can be the rock. Maybe not the biggest one but I dont have to last 10000 years. I just have to show my kids how much I love them and that they can trust me. And I can let them into my world where there has been nobody over the past years. Just me and the disease.

I am grateful for learning opportunities and I know I can learn something new every day. Nobody has to be dependable 100 % all the time. This takes away a lot of pressure and makes me feel more at ease. I am detecting that by admitting that in some areas of my life I need a lot of help, i show that I need to be dependable on others and their opinions. Just like my kids depend on my feedback in all kinds of things. I dont need to give them perfect advice since there is no such thinga as perfect. The interesting part of life apparently is for me the afterlife if there is one....

Thank you wise lady for being there for me!

Welcome to the new world - I am not different

I am confused... did I really think that by going back to my home country I would automatically leave behind all the issues I have? I did and I admit that this was not the most adult way of dealing with things. But I thought to give it a try since it had worked before. It is not true, it hasnt worked and instead it just added up nicely to all the other issues I am self-loathing with. Anyways, I have found out that my issues had a visa to enter and therefore I have to address them. I dont like to since it ruins the false sense of identity that i have created over the years but now the urge to move is bigger than the fear of having to admit flaws... and so I do. I do things everyday that are good for me and that the sick part of me hates doing. I am finding out that humor goes along with most other emotions and makes it so much easier to deal with the more difficult ones. My soul is aching most of those days from all the burden it has to carry. That does sound like I am a self centred person and parts of me is. And this part has not gotten better. This part feeds on the mistakes I committ daily in my relationship with others. And has gotten a lot of food in recent years. The burden i am referring to is therefore something I have accumulated - not somebody else. Yes, a lot of people have hurt my feelings over the past years just like others peoples feelings were hurt. The difference between others and me is not big though. Because I dont know what others are doing with their burdens and I am not omnipotent so i dont know their ways of handling it. There lies a misconception on my side. I am not different from others. I am one of them. I have accumulated my own burden throughout the years and i am not looking at it. But to close eyes or move is not working - and therefore I am opening my eyes to all there is.

Guess what, some of the burden really is not that heavy. Other items are more bulky. One box at a time I can look at it. And I can remind myself that I am no different.

special days are ...

Special days are ...

days where you find yourself alone but are actually not... you just dont count the blessings around you.

I am becoming aware how much i shut myself of the beauty of life sometimes... and i dont know how to live anymore.

No i am not writing another self pity blog i said to myself tonight. Life is sh... at the moment and that is not going to change. but...

i have 3 kids that adore me and have done everything today to make me happy... including a song played on the piano...

i have special friends who are able to still believe in me while i dont

i have great new walking gear and did a wonderful nordic walking tour today... i actually enjoyed some silence.... first i walked with somebody i truly cherish and then i did a stroll on my own through a completely deserted forest and realized how pretty nature is at the moment and how fortunate i am to be able to actually see it

i had a stranger at the checkout talk to me for a while today and he was soooo nice and attractive and it was fun to see that he seemed to be reluctant to leave too. we talked about art and cities and... and the nicest thing was that he entered my world unexpected ly and left it the same way and i probably will never see him again but he showed me that to cherish the moment is what makes me happy... not the plans or the worries (i know you all know that but i do intellectually grasp this idea yet dont manage to live by it...)

i got many presents today from a far away husband who is trying hard to let me know he loves me even though i dont see or feel it the same way

i can be by myself and not hate all about myself for while.

So, i have the wish that i will be able during the next year of my life to be more positive and not only see my deficiencies but to come to terms with myself more. To let more people into my world and to give more to them. To stop moaning and start living. To stop with the behavior of myself i most hate - one day at a time.

thunderstorms are necessary

As the thunderstorm outside is winding down i have finally found the time to reflect a bit on the past weeks. I must say i have grown a small seed of compassion for myself.... sounds pathetic but that is just what it is. I am more and more aware of my flaws and that is not something i am proud of. The perfectionist in me hates my mistakes and would love to do what i used to be doing most of my life... hide them. But the truth is that i feel even though i have a strange and embarassing kind of disease that does not make me a bad person. I have disappointed many of my friends in the past weeks i know that. I have made them feel helpless because i know that they would love to help me but they cannot. i have to be able to help myself. But how?? Obviously the eating part doesn t work too well and therefore my weight has been dropping. No not as bad as it used to but there is reason to be concerned because the tendency is not the right one. Yet i decide to do this and that is so hard for my friends to watch. They cannot understand what the problem is. After all, some of them have watched me twice going into the hospital and staying there for a long time. Neglecting my duty as a mother as a wife and as a friend. My parents think i am doing this on purpose. And guess what? I think sometimes that they are right. I am deliberately choosing not to care for my own self but to look away. Yet in these past weeks i have started to actually not only hate myself for this but to at times feel some sort of compassion for my sick personality. I am a person with anorexia. Not more not less. But i am also somebody else. i can do things well and i am not too bad with the boys. i do an ok job with them most of the time. They are on my mind most of the time. Yes, i am acting irresponsible with myself. But not the whole time. The disease is part of me but that is not the only part. I need to convince myself of that daily when i fight against myself. I hardly ever win when i fight but i win when i accept myself. And that is a great lesson for the fighter in me. Fighting has delivered many results but it has not created happiness in myself. Instead it has created more and more self hatred. So the strategy to sit in front of food trying to eat it but not wanting to is not very succesful. it worked in the hospital because i wanted to get out. But now it does not work anymore. What does work is to find things in myself that i actually like and stress those... not focus on the food intake too much. I am very very sorry for all the stress and unhappiness i am causing my friends. Believe me i dont want to cause this. At least not all of me does that. The sick part yes but the other part feels the sadness that i am causing. What could help me? More inner peace with myself. More calm words. Less fights. A goal i could work on.

I am not giving in and i will continue to try hard. i cannot make any promises. I am tired of disappointing people so i just want them to know that i truly love my friends and that i feel with them. I am not an easy task and it gets worse. The only work that my friends can do is to not do anything. I need to come to terms with myself. As long as it may take. My recovery depends entirely on my behaviour not the one of my friends. I never assumed much responsibility when things were getting bad. Always when i benefited from them... but i know i am not the only one doing this. it gives me great comfort to look around and see that there are more people out there with issues around food than myself. I might feel alone with my problem but i am not !

So by letting everybody know that right now i am struggling i am doing a first step towards accepting myself. And i dont know how to solve the current issues but other people dont know either. By acknowledging that i am still very sick i go down the right lane. i am not my disease but it is a huge part. What the future brings whether it is more hospital stays or less i have no idea. I will sit and wait and reflect.

holidays are more than vacation

just thinking of the word holidays makes me realize how important vacation time is for me. it is the opportunity for me to reconnect with the special parts of life where my entire family is together. now that being said i know that it is not always easy since our family life is rather dysfunctional nowadays. husband completely absent most of the time and even when he is around he lives in a different world where the computer and the figures have so much power over him that he has no idea anymore how life with 3 kids is. during the holidays he has a strange way of coping with this different life. he first sleeps for 3 days and then he completely immerses himself and is mr super dad. kids love it but the older they get the more they know it is just a show for a predetermined number of days. i have a hard time too since i feel so disconnected from his thoughts and sit next to him wondering who he is... but usually i adjust to this different person too after a while.

still, i wish the word holidays would mean the same to him - holy that is, special and unique. maybe it has this meaning but i dont see him cherishing these days that much and the routine of work is so much more familiar to him that after the vacation it takes exactly 48 hrs and he is back to mr workaholic... sad but true and i have to learn to live with that since i get to enjoy the fruits of his work too.

i now know that i dont care that much for luxury anymore which makes it harder for me to understand why one has to work that much... but i try to see that it is a great life i get to live thanks to the money. how would we live had we less? no idea but i would love to try. not with this man though since taking away work would mean taking away his life.

so i will treasure every minute of my holy days and store them... every day only happens once so i will make the best out of it!

winter wonderland

Who would have thought that this winter is going to be so different? Lots of snow but also beautiful air, sunshine at times. Reminds me a lot of my winters in the U.S. and i like to be reminded of these happy times. I am settling in again with my family after my long absence and there hasnt been one morning yet when i didnt feel the love my children are showing me. I can see the beauty and the privilege of being their mom and i am so grateful that i had been given another chance. So as i am looking back on the weeks that i have been home i am quite content with myself. I have my daily struggles and fallbacks with ED but overall i am still in a good place. i dont think too much about the future because i then feel immediately homesick for the U.S. and that hurts too much. I am most grateful that i have my friends here and i know it is good for me to open up more to them. They are very different from me but I can learn so much from them. What a great opportunity to embrace life more!!! When I catch myself daydreaming too much about a different life i just look at my children and i dont need to look any further. They are here and I am with them. Thats all that matters. When i wish for something else, i do the same and it works. So i wouldnt say i am the most positive person now but i dont dwell on the negative things too much and just get on...

I firmly believe that my constant comparison with another person, another life, another country... leads to nothing but frustration. So when the thoughts arise, i greet them but i dont react. It is hard to change your personality but i dont have to change it. I can just accept the fact that i am person who always tends to compare but that doesnt make me a bad person. It is just part of me.

I know that a lot of people my age have similar thoughts and that calms me down and makes me feel less awkward. Another good thing. I really feel i am not alone...

So tonight i will kiss my kids and wish them sweet dreams and i am going to be excited if they tell me their dreams tomorrow...

the answer is not that hard

As i slowly but steadily reclaim my old me i am wondering whether i will eventually find out who i am - a question most people ask themselves at times i am sure. Am i the mother of three or is that just a role i am fulfilling? By definition, i would say that being a mom is a job but also a destination. Except that now i dont know whether i would choose that destination again.a Thankfully, i dont have to waste a thought about that, since it is a fact. i am a mother. So apart from that, what else am i? What i like doing could be leading to finding an answer. Except i like doing a lot of things... like painting, photography, reading, writing.... the list is getting bigger every day. That's nice to see, that i have a lot of things that i enjoy doing. But it is the doing part that i am a bit worried. If i just sit still and not do anything then i quicikly run away from myself. Because i feel that by not doing anything i have nothing to offer to myself. That boredom with myself causes ED to get hyper and make me do... so i want to learn that it is okay to just be. I also know that the answer to who am i lies in accepting life at lifes terms and grow with every second. My friends, the buddhists always point to the fact that if i dont live that very second to the fullest than my life loses meaningful time... since the past is gone and the future not yet there. But boy oh boy living in the moment is hard. That means taking the boredom... taking the restlessness and not reacting to it. I would like to say that i am closer to finding out who i am but fact is i am not. I need help and i think help is to just accept that i dont know what to do with my life. Should i continue fulfilling my roles as mom, wife... and concentrate on finding joy in those tasks??? Yes, this is a sensible approach since it doesnt involve creating new roles ... and i can paint, take pictures, read at the same time. So this was an easy process - finding happiness in the known is far less risky and consumes less energy. And i can honestly say that i am a good mom. i try hard and always stay true to the kids. I apologize when i make mistakes i tell the kids that i love them for how they are not what they do, i hug them and i try to make their life nicer. More i cant offer.... but i guess looking at their development, i see 3 happy troopers, that cruise quite easily through life and dont have major problems facing life.

I did a good job, and will continue to do so, with renewed energy and motivation. I am grateful for the second chance that i was given by someone up there... thanks! I might not be able to answer the question who am i at the moment but i have options to go ahead and will cherish my role as a mom even more!

May all the mothers out there feel the same way about themselves and not critizize themselves too harshly! May all the ones out there that do not have the role as mothers know their role in life and be able to enjoy it!

How many tears are too many??? or Winnetou is right...

No, the subject of this blog is not a sad one... on the contrary, as i was shedding tears today i realized that it has been a long time- probably almost a year that i felt so sad and ironically that makes me happy. Why??? Part of my disease is the cutting of unnecessary energy and emotions like crying use energy. My body needed every morsel of energy for maintaing its functioning therefore i did no longer have any feelings of sadness. This is no longer the case and that means if i touch things that have happened in the past that i felt sad about or hurt i can now cry about them. No, i cant let go of the things of the past. not yet. but the day is near... and i just feel tired and emotionally drained today. not more not less.

I bought a little funny book today for my husband that has the title How would Winnetou have decided (Winnetou is the most famous movie-American Indian that Germany ever produced) and it contains little fairy tale type of stories about being succesful. And of course one chaper is entitled "Winnetous rule no 5 : Always try and help yourself." The short sentence that the reader is supposed to memorize is: If you are looking for a helping hand, look first at the end of your right arm. Now that is new to me. Arent all the self help books always telling me that in order to change behaviour i have to learn how to ask others for help??? Both is true, but i like the aspect that Winnetou states that no problem can be solved solely by relying on the big manitoo (AKA God, Buddha....) entirely. For self centred people like me i like being helped and yell at them for treating me like a needy person.. so i want to visualize me having a right hand and a manitoo and then.... i smile and think YES WE CAN!!!

the places you will go (again)

i just learned something today.... it is never too late to start anew.. yes i know this is a fact but one thing is to know that intellectually another thing is to feel it. I was strolling around outside today and all of a sudden i became aware that i have been given the fantastic opportunity to redifine myself completely. I can now grab life by its horns and become a new me. Correctly spoken i would even say i have the chance to become a me since i was entirely defining myself before based on my achievements and/or looks. Now i feel a lot more vulnerable but i am not as scared of that anymore. I am ready to face my past in a way that i can feel past wounds but then to accept them as being part of the past. I dont know what the future brings but i know that all i really can live is this moment, and i love this moment. i would even go as far as to laugh about myself because today again, my short term memory loss has led me to forget a bag with something somwhere. now i can go back tomorrow to the same shops trying to find it.... how fun is that to revisit the past.... hahah.

May you be less forgetful but just as optimistic as i have been today!

Real power

Today, i just would like to share a quote i found in o magazine: Real power is usually unspectacular a simple setting aside of fear that allows the free flow of love. But it changes everything."

Not only do i really think it is true... i also firmly believe that this is one of the most important lessons in life. When i think of people i admire because of their power then it is people like oprah winfrey, but also small town heros like my best friend who fights her disease every day. I admire everybody where i can see a quest for life that is shaped by being cuious and brave. To be brave is something that empowers (once you actually dare to....) me very much.

May you all be brave today and like me change a little thing....

wherever you go there you are...

it is sunday morning and i have a story on my heart. i woke up very early this morning and decided to not get up but instead to listen to an audiobook with the great title "wherever you go there you are" by one of my favorite teachers Jon Kabat Zinn. he is the founder of the stress reduction clinic in Boston and a world leader in the field of meditatiion and its benefits for body and mind. Anyways, go read or listen to the book if you want to find out more about him. As i was listening i fell back asleep probably after half an hour. When i woke up i had to laugh that a book like this is soooo boring that i fall asleep. then i rewound and thought well, meditation is about knowing who and where and what you are and to be ok with that. To fall back asleep could then be interpreted as "at ease and content with herself, therefore back to sleep". This thought is a good one for me because it has been a long time since i felt at ease. Then another thought, a vicious one , entered my mind - meditation doesnt help you and you will never learn it... so i dont know why you are even listening to the thing..." Bad thought, not helpful.

Meditation has been hard for me but there have been times in my life where i benefited from it. The mere conscious making effort of eg when you take a walk, how you walk, how your feet step in front of each other, and then going more and more into details, (eg my right foot starts walking by attaching the heel to the floor, then i can feel my sole of my foot getting into contact with the earth, then my small toe... )leads in my case to me not only slowing down my walk but also to all of a sudden feel more, for example the coldness on my face... and i am then getting really focused. After approx. 5 min of doing this, and believe me it has been sooo hard not to get distracted or if distracted to just let the thought go and start again.... , i usually have forgotten worrisome thoughts or dangerous comments from my disease.

Yet this morning instead of "achieving" another level in the book, i fell asleep. And I am happy with the fact that meditation this morning was a great idea because i could sleep another 2 hours happily. And think it is funy too...